Eurovision 2025

Welcome to Eurovision 69. Nice. I am sober. And tonight, we are in St Jakobshalle in Basel! 

Last year, a non-binary prawn stood on a spinning disc singing their heart out for Switzerland and recognition and won. They broke the code. And broke the trophy.

And thank God they did, or they'd have had to have something about clocks here for three whole minutes. Instead, some extreme sports. 

And all for a trophy that looks like a butt plug. YES I SAID IT, YOU'RE ALL THINKING IT. 

Nemo opened the show with a brief reprise of The Code, which remains a banger. This hat is the first of two CHOICES of outfit for Nemo this evening. 

Still a fucking bop.

TIME FOR A FLAG PARADE TO SOME SWISS BANGERS AND A SEXY DRUM CORPS

THIS IS A BETTER HAT! What I wouldn't do to have a sexy drum corps follow me around... Anyway, banging tunes, people and flags, you know the drill. Nobody wore theirs this year, the wimps.

Our hosts tonight are Hazel Brugger, Michelle Hunziker, queen of the huns and Sandra Studer.

Michelle Hunziker has a grandson.

We stan Michelle Hunziker. We also stan Hazel Brugger's energy, she who refuses to wear heels and is named after a nut. 

Get used to the garments, Switzerland lacks taste. 

Next door to St Jakobshalle stands another arena, full of fans:

T'was rumoured that Celine Dion herself would appear atop that box in the middle, maybe belt out a medley of hits, a bit of Think Twice for the grans. But no. No Celine. This is not the Olympics. Her absence did create a monstrous scheduling gap to be filled, mainly by Polish Cher trying to blow a horn, but nevermind...

They open the vote, because Israel have got to get all that vote farming going as early as possible. 

On y va! 

So, every year, there's a postcard where the acts are introduced by doing something ethnic in the host country. Think, making cheese...

Goldeneye Snow Level

And of course, GAMBLING

But what I really enjoyed was the actual postcards. Every single one looked like a loading screen on Fallout 4. Every last one.

Also, a moment for this incredibly 80s font! 

So dated, I love it. 

NORWAY. Points: 89. Position: 18th. Song: Lighter by Kyle Alessandro

Background: Norske Talenter 2017: Did not reach lives

`

Last year Alessandra, this year Alessandro. Chainmail and huge binbag trousers under THESE lights? Are they trying to KILL HIM? This had an Oblivion gate, LOTS of fire, a reasonable beat and a DANCE BREAK straight from the VMAs. Very reminiscent aurally of Holly Valance, the kiss kiss fascist. 

LUXEMBOURG. Points: 47. Position: 22nd. Song: La Poupée Monte le Son by Laura Thorn

Background: A singer

Right, let's get one thing straight. POUPÉE DE CIRE POUPÉE DE SON IS AN ABSOLUTE MASTERCLASS IN EUROVISIONING AND THIS WAS A PALE IMITATION INDEED. This song is about the doll coming to life and wreaking a terrible revenge against France Gall. As with last year, Luxembourg got a bit overexcited and threw everything AND the kitchen sink at the staging. God knows what the audience made of her flapping about on the floor at the start. 

VERY Baby's First Fashion Show. Of course that dress came off. Of course. La poopy doopy soup.

ESTONIA. Points: 356. Position: 3rd. Song: Espresso Macchiato by Tommy Cash

Background: A RAPPER

Bit racist, but what a tune. WHAT A DANCE! His legs move as if independent from his body! No stresso, no stresso, no need to be depresso INDEED. 

Damiano David could nevah. 

ISRAEL. Points: 357. Position: 2nd. Song: New Day Will Rise by Yuval Raphael

Background: BOOOOOOO

You can bring them here. You can't make me watch them. 

LITHUANIA. Points: 96. Position: 16th. Song: Tavo Akys by Katarsis

Background: A real band

The man with the Billie Eilish eyes. Maybe that's what the song is about. It's all had the air of a Placebo b-side, only with scrubs. Towards the end, they all wandered off to the front of the stage, with WEATHER OCCURRING, screeching tavo [yours]... and leaving the drummer a full mile behind them. 

SPAIN. Points: 37. Position: 24th. Song: Esa Diva by Melody

Background: Bop-producer

The first of MANY women in leotard and boots, using up Basel's entire supply of tit tape, bursting through those... blood red curtains. Oooh matron. Not a hit. 

UKRAINE. Points: 218. Position: 9th. Song: Bird of Pray by Ziferba

Background: A band: this is their THIRD TIME trying to get on Eurovision

Ukraine, despite everything, usually send a TOP FIVE TUNE to Eurovision. But not this year. This SOUNDED like the theme tune to a dodgy 80s superhero show where everything was solved with the gift of heart. And with vaseline smeared all over the camera, it LOOKED a hot fucking mess. 

This lad, Daniel Leshchynskyi, is FRESH from his shampoo and set and ready to wow Europe. But for the first time since 2021, Europe said... ehhhh. Not Kenough.

UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 88. Position: 19th. Song: What The Hell Just Happened? by Remember Monday

Background: The Voice UK 2019: Knock-outs

What the hell just happened INDEED? What a fucking MESS. The Schuyler sisters as played by Atomic Kitten after a trip to Disney. Not a single point from the public vote. OUCH. 

AUSTRIA. Points: 436. Position: WINNER. Song: Wasted Love by JJ

Background: The Voice UK 2020: Knockouts

It began with a tiny child (twenty-four years old) tucked up in bed on his boat, with UNEXPECTED OPERA and an even more unexpected DONK PLACED UPON IT AT THE END. Life of Pi in da club. Worra show, I love it. A worthy winner. 

ICELAND. Points: 33. Position: 25th. Song: Róa by Væb

Background: Icelandic electro-brothers

But nobody loved Icelandic Jedward, fresh from the year 2000 with their vajazzled eyes and nautical theme and key change. 

LATVIA. Points: 158. Position: 13th. Song: Bur man laimi by Tautumeitas

Background: FOLK!

The dryads of Lativa have unionised, behind a bead curtain, singing their magical spell song. One can only imagine what the costuming meeting was like. "PLASTIC ANTLERS? YAAAS!". Risky with all that gauze. 

Oh and then they grew tails. Amazing work. 

THE NETHERLANDS. Points: 175. Position: 12th. Song: C'est La Vie by Claude

Background: The Voice Kids Holland 2019: Eliminated in Battles

Last year, we were robbed of Joost Klein at the last moment, and this year, the Dutch sent the safest, most boring chap they could find to sing in FRENCH. Nice pearls.  

FINLAND. Points: 196. Position: 11th. Song: Ich Komme by Erika Vikman

Background: Finland Idols 2013: seventh

This. This is more like it. THIS IS ROUSING. This is giving Mum went to karaoke after a bottomless brunch, and oh God, she's had six pornstar martinis since 4:30pm. Come down off there babes, you'll hurt yourself, remember last time? I love Erika, and her joyous ode to shagging. 

ITALY. Points: 256. Position: 5th. Song: Volevo Essere un Duro by Lucio Corsi

Background: Glam rocker

Why? Why is the piano so big? Vibes are off, as the kids say. He thinks he's Gene Simmons doing a ballad, but it's giving... Samara from The Ring. 

POLAND: Points: 156. Position: 14th. Song: Gaja by Justyna Steczkowska

Background: Eurovision 1995 (THIRTY YEARS AGO) 

THIRTY YEARS AGO? WAS SHE A FUCKING FOETUS? But no, Poland's answer to Cher is 52 and wearing an outfit that would make me look like an overused stress ball. So many holes! Someone on their production team has clearly been playing Baldur's Gate 3, because this is ALL GITHYANKI, down to the dragon. 

Then they suspend her in the air for no reason, with Viserion behind her. Lovely bit of bollocks. 

GERMANY. Points: 151. Position: 15th. Song: Baller by Abor & Tynnar

Background: Well trained siblings

And here is Germany's answer to Charlie XCX, hiding under the stairs of EDM. Ballalalalalalallalala. 

GREECE. Points: 231. Position: 6th. Song: Asteromata by Klavdia

Background: The Voice of Greece 2018: 4th

Nana Mouskouri rides again. Greece always send something a bit...mythic and this was no different. If Athena was played by Anne Kirkbride, god rest her. Sprouting fully formed out of Bill Roache's head, shrieking KEN! 

ARMENIA. Points: 72. Position: 20th. Song: Survivor by Parg

Background: Critically acclaimed singer is our Parg

God how we love Dirty Parg in our house. So dirty, so unnecessarily dirty, and SUCH big trousers. He;s a survivor, he is aliveuh, he's not gon' give'up, he's gon work harder. Or something. A one-man advert for PureGym, an inspiration.

SWITZERLAND. Points: 214. Position: 10th. Song: Voyage by Zoë Më

Background: Delightful pop star

This was a real gear-change after Parg. A sad bridesmaid having a snivel after being shut down by the obviously-but-not-obviously gay groomsman. THEN SHE GOT A BIT MAD, then back to snivelling. All a bit Barbara Pravi, not a single public vote, and yet such a high scorer. 

MALTA. Points: 91. Position: 17th. Song: Serving by Miriana Conte

Background: Many attempts to win the Maltese X Factor crown

Fuckin' 'ell lads. Kant is Maltese for 'singing' but guess what it sounds like? Oh yes. Serving KANT indeed. An absolute bop, a stone-cold banger, a joblot of Ann Summers and Schwarzkopf box dye, the interior of your local Cosy Club and... gym balls

Belter. 

PORTUGAL. Points: 50. Position: 21st. Song: Deslocado by Napa

Background: Oh dear, an indie band. You've probably never heard of them. 

OH I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM WITH ALL THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS, SMUG KANTS.

DENMARK. Points: 47. Position: 23rd. Song: Hallucination by Sissal

Background: Ársins Songrødd 2010: Winner

Bloody hell, it's Annette Badland in a blonde wig. 

You can't send Annette Badland singing a Loreen rip-off to Eurovision and expect it to do well. 

SWEDEN. Points: 321. Position: 4th. Song: Bara Bada Bastu by KAJ

Background: Finland's own Lonely Island

An earworm. A song about the sauna in Frozen with a big sausage. OI OI. There's a James van der Beek one, a cheeky one... 

And this sexual beast. This will be in my head for the rest of time. 

FRANCE. Points: 230. Position: 7th. Song: Maman by Louane

Background: La Plus Belle Voix 2013: Semi Finalist

Last year, Denmark sent a girl singing about sand, complete with sand waterfall, and she didn't get past the semi-finals. And France GOT AN IDEA. Louane and her sand fountain did somewhat better than poor Saba. LE SABLE EST PARTOUT, MAAAMAAAAN J'AI BESOIN UN BALAIIIIIII, MAAMAAAAAAN is what she didn't sing. Gawd, I bet she'll be finding sand in her bra for weeks. 

SAN MARINO. Points: 27. Position: Last. Song: Tutta l'Italia by Gabry Ponte

Background: BLUE (DA BA DEE) WAS HIS DOING

I am not sure Tim Westwood should be anyone's style icon. Apparently, this song is gently mocking Italians so please explain to us why this statue is

...off it's face on cocaine? 

ALBANIA. Points: 218. Position: 8th. Song: Zjerm by Shkodra Elektronike

Background: A folktronica act...

And to round out the night, some vampires. Very poor vampiric showing this year, barely a menacing glare among them. 

But what vampiric lady is complete without her Pinocchio, and his gentle threatening intonation. 

And so, with that lot over and the voting already open, time for a costume change. 

My eyes! My eyes! 

Four former Swiss contestants show up to perform their classics. First, Peter, Sue and Marc (sans Sue) who took part in Eurovision on four separate occasions. Is that a RECORD?

Paola! 

Luca Hänni with a bop

And Gjon's Tears. Again. Tune. 

Then came my personal highlight. A battle!

Betwixt Baby Lasagne vs Käärijä, my two robbed baes... 

I don't have words to say how much this meant to me. 

Although dabbing, lads? In this the year of our lord twenty twenty five?

Ah well. 

For the traditionalists, a lovely big horn

And then Nemo returns to perform their new song... dressed as Grayson Perry... in Cabaret.

I MEAN, IT IS A LOOK. Lovely set of pipes. 

And then the votes close, and it's time for the ABSOLUTE BEST BIT OF THE NIGHT!

THE AWKWARD ZOOM JURY VOTES! But Martin Österdahl does not tell us we're good to go... so does it even count? 

There's thirty-seven of them, so let's go.

Sweden in a Sauna

Azerbaijan NOT in a sauna

This Maltese lady who has cancer and appears to have come straight from hospital.

Sparkly Chantal 

Scary Slovenia

She wants to suck your blooood

Luxembourg's lady is waiting for her promposal

SENHIT looking FINE

Jerry Heil on her way to a witch burning

I don't know WHAT this is, but I like it.

Cannot tell you how much I hope he presents next year's SHOW wearing this top... COME ON PHILIPP, YOUR TIME IS NOW! 

I'm sorry, a French spokeswoman not dressed as the Eiffel tower? There must be some mistake. 

They make a fucking mockery of us with this fucking mouse. WAS DAMIANO DAVID BUSY? (probably)

That... that is a fucking big coat

This dress should have been left in the shop

LOVELY HAIR, SALTY AF ABOUT RIM TIM TAGI DIM NOT WINNING, AS ARE WE ALL

GRU!

He reminds me of an old Nicky Byrne. Oh? That... that IS Nicky Byrne? Apologies.

She won ALL the rosettes at the county fair!

I know Montenegro haven't been in for a while... but are they like... OK?

She ate the jury.

Nice bow!

Your new stepmother, coming for dad's loot

Sophie EB has five sons and yet here she is, fresh as a daisy. 

Not a matador, but live from Benidorm, which surely amounts to the same thing

A moomin

G'day sport!

You're live on TV across around fifty countries, with hair like a labrador... could've dressed up mate.

Belgian Jonah Hill

Did she get dressed in the fucking dark?

ALBANIAN SECRET SERVICE!!!

Silvester and The Noisiest Coat in the World 

Vaeb's Mum (not Vaeb's Mum)

GET A LOAD OF DEEZ NUTSA 

God how I miss Nina Sublatti

I think the sash means he won best in show...

This Estonian lad did not give a fuck, and we thank him for it.

And finally, from the neighbouring arena with a Celine Dion-less box, the Swiss vote.

And so, after the jury vote, the leaderboard looked like this...

And it came down to Israel vs Austria 

(which is ...er... not a conflict we wish to reignite)

AUSTRIA WINS!!

Well done JJ. We stan an operatic banger. 

Thanks for reading. I'll be back next year (from my living room) in Vienna.. or maybe Linz? For a change?