Eurovision 2025: The Kants

This year, thirty-eight countries entered Eurovision, although Moldova withdrew because all their submissions were shit (AND? SEND SOMEONE ANYWAY MOLDOVA, YOU COWARDS). No Romania because crap, no Russia or Belarus, because war and yet ISRAEL?? AGAIN?? BOO!  

As much as I would personally adore a thirty-seven entry final on Saturday, the maximum number of entries is twenty-six. So, a cull must take place. Rather than doing this Hunger Games style, the public are invited to vote for their faves. Eleven must fail. This is a tribute to those eleven.  

But first, a moment for the host country doing their best to fill four hours of premium air time while keeping their powder dry for the main show. And although Switzerland have been in Eurovision almost every year since its inception, they've not exactly done well. Lot of time to fill... lot of time...

In semi one, we had some contemporary wafting, alphorns and the cast of Heidi yodelling away to er... Arcade, among other bangers. 

We had the LOUDEST OUTFITS

Mes augen! Meinen yeux!

We had a tribute to both the weird Azerbaijani horse AND Melovin.

Melovin was robbed. 

We had a brief, bilingual yet non-singing appearance from Celine Dion, appearing like God to apologise for not being there in person. Celine only comes out for the Olympics these days. 

We had Marina Satti, Jerry Heil, Iolanda and Silvester Belt from last year doing a heartfelt tribute to Celine Dion's winner in 1988. 

MARINA SATTI IS THIRTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD.

We had a top ten Eurovision streaming songs from Spotify and I tell you now, 95% of those streams are from my 9 year old son. Except for Käärijä. That's all me, baby. 

But most importantly.... all the way from Sweden.... we had Petra Mede as William Tell.  

WHEN IT DOUBT, DRAG OUT PETRA... IN DRAG. I mean, where do you even go from that? You've peaked and it's only the first semi-final. 

Nevertheless, semi-final two persisted. It was not their best work. No opening number, just an old man putting a heart in the middle of the stage because he loves Eurovision and then this blinding display of... garments.

No really, Hazel, what the fuck is that? 

We got to see a weird Swiss dancing infomercial about how much they love clocks. 

Live, love, tell the time. 

And then a tribute to the fallen Eurovision of 2020, where instead of this festival of camp, we got a boil washed Johnny Logan as a consolation prize. So, four contestants (who ALL TOOK PART IN 2021, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR) return to sing their 2020 entries. I tell you now, Gjon's Tears would not have won with this dirge, even with his arms on fire. 

Despite the dance, I think Discoteque is a better choon.

But it did mean, we finally got to hear Efendi's mum-ra bass drop in full. 

Is she still with Tix? Enquiring minds want to know. 

(And let us not pretend for one moment that Destiny was not done a huge favour by coming back with Je Me Casse, which is a bop. THIS? NOT A BOP). 

No word from the act who really lost out in 2020. Daði Freyr WOULD have won. 

Anyway, time for the losers...

SLOVENIA. Song: How Much Time Do We Have Left? by Klemen

Slovenia's answer to John Barrowman (he sings! he acts! he dances! he presents!) has been presenting their Eurovision selection contest for years, and decided to have a go himself. Witth this bizarre autobiographical song, about a husband singing to his DYING WIFE, complete with dead-wife-video-wall-montage. What a buzzkill. His wife, who did NOT die, appeared at the end to give him a kiss. Awww. No.

BELGIUM. Song: Strobe Lights by Red Sebastian

Even his microphgone is red! I ENJOYED THIS ONE. I mean, I didn't like all the menstrual red and I didn't really like Red Sebastian, and I was yearning for them to put a donk on it... but I DID ENJOY IT. The staging was carrying the whole production. Europe said no, no Belgian bangers, not today. 

AZERBAIJAN. Song: Run With U by Mamagama

A HUGE RED HULA HOOP LIGHTS THE STAGE, LIKE THE EYE OF SAURON OR A GIANT ANUS, A ROCK BAND STARE AT EACH OTHER IMPOSINGLY, THE STRINGS SCREAM AND THEN THEIR SINGER OPENS HIS MOUTH AND...

....squeaks. 

He had a nice saz though. We do appreciate a good saz. 

CROATIA. Song: Poison Cake by Marko Bošnjak

Poor Marko, coming in off the back of Rim Tim Tagi Din with a very different vibe. The first openly gay Croatian Eurovision candidate, turning up in his furry stole with lots of green lasers to hiss about poison cake. Which begs the question... which poison? Well, he says it's tasteless, doesn't burn and causes death within twelve hours so I'm going with arsenic. Bad luck Marko, try strychnine next time.  

CYPRUS. Song: Shh by Theo Evan

This was an absolute BOP. Theo turned up in his climbing gear, because nothing says Eurovision like a man in cargoes with a carabiner and proceeded to clamber all over some scaffolding with some other lads. SEXY BUILDING SITE! It was, however, extremely difficult to look directly at because of the reliance on strobes. Perhaps if half the audience hadn't been in convulsions, they would have voted for it. 

AUSTRALIA. Song: Milkshake Man by Go-Jo

So much promise! A man singing about his own ejaculate at 8pm on BBC1 on a Thursday night! And yet it absolutely failed to deliver. It was like the Wiggles, but without any of their panache. There was a quickchange, there was a gimmick chorus, there were abs, there was a knee slide the FULL LENGTH OF THE STAGE, and it was for nothing.  If Australia will insist on sending an act, they need to send this lad.

MONTENEGRO. Song: Dobrodošli by Nina Žižić

Don't laugh at the...prawn cracker, Montenegrins only look like this when they're feeling threatened. Nina last had a go at Eurovision in 2013 and that didn't go through either. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

IRELAND. Song: Laika Party by Emmy

Emmy is Norwegian, but did a good impression of an Irish girl. She was also the absolute ANTITHESIS of Bambie Thug, singing a nursery rhyme about a space dog locked in an eternal hell of space raving. Rum de dum dum Laika will rave. 

GEORGIA. Song: Freedom by Mariam Shengelia

I quite liked the look of this. I liked her big coat. I liked the the Hopak dancing ninjas. I liked the costume change. I like the ninjas waving white flags. But the song? The song was bobbins. One day, Georgia will let Nina Sublatti have another go, and they will win. But until then, ehhhh. 

CZECHIA. Song: Kiss Kiss Goodbye by Adonxs

All teeth and tash. This was EXTREMELY CAMP even for Eurovision. 

SERBIA. Song: Mila by Princ

Oh Nandor. Why did you come? 

So... the big show is TOMORROW at 8pm on BBC One. My money is on Austria to win (not that I give Eurovision one penny of my income), but COME ON MALTA AND FINLAND!