Soph's TV Snark: Eurovision 2017

Welcome to Kyiv, home of this year's Eurovision! This year's theme is Celebrate Diversity, so obviously EVERYONE IS WHITE AND STRAIGHT. There's even a white guy with dreads.

This year's flag ceremony involves each act apparently bursting from nowhere, while their flag crackles on the screen behind them.

Kapow!

Our hosts:

Timur, Oleks and Vova. I got Oleks and Vova mixed up all night, and now feel terrible for all the horrible things I said. Anyway, Timur is the green room host and his intonation is particularly beautiful, as is his face. Oleks and Vova...well, I'll get on to them later.

Our hosts 12 years ago:

Ah,we've all been there.
Vova then tells us this is the wildest place on Earth, but it sounds like he says whitest. NO LIES DETECTED.

The VTs for each act are based on their Journey to Eurovision, but none of them are going to beat Jana from FYROM and her ultrasound, so I'm ignoring them.

ISRAEL. Points: 39 Position: 23rd. I Feel Alive by IMRI
Reality TV Background: The Voice Israel
Looks Like: Lee Ryan from Blue

It's upbeat, and his arms are nice, but nah.

POLAND. Points: 64 Position: 22nd. Flashlight by Kasia Moś
Reality TV Background: 3rd place Tylko Muzyka (Must Be The Music Poland)

A fair stab, and personally I much preferred it to the emo soldier of yesteryear. That top looks terribly uncomfortable. It...it reminds me of something Polish...

Ah yes!

BELARUS. Points: 83 Position: 17th. Story of My Life by Naviband
Reality TV Background: None
Looks Like: The White Stripes.

I don't know why they're on a hovercraft. Maybe they got married on it in international waters so her father can't try and stop the union. Yeah, that'll be it.

FATHER WILL NEVER FIND US IN BELARUS!

AUSTRIA. Points: 93 Position: 16th. Running on Air by Nathan Trent
Reality TV Background: None
Sounds Like: Ed Sheeran mixed with Jason Mraz. *shudder*

If you believe, they put a man in the moooon. He's so delighted to be here with his blandy song, you can't hate him.

ARMENIA. Points: 79 Position: 18th. Fly With Me by Artsvik
Reality TV Background: ГОЛОС (The Voice Russia)

The camera work is awful, all jerky and quakey to try and INJECT DRAMA. I would really like Armenia to do a Ukraine, sing about the Armenian genocide, really piss off Azebaijan, probably Russia, and Turkey and win. Then have System of a Down perform at the final. Just once.

NETHERLANDS. Points: 150 Position: 11th. Lights and Shadows by O'G3NE
Reality TV Background: Won The Voice of Holland
Sounds Like: Wilson Phillips. It might be twenty seven years old, but Hold On is STILL VERY POPULAR.

These three are sisters, and their dad wrote the song. The first two are twins, and they were all born in the mid-90s. ALLEGEDLY.

MOLDOVA. Points: 374 Position: 3rd. Hey Mamma by Sunstroke Project
Reality TV Background: None
REMEMBER THIS GUY?

via GIPHY HE'S BACK!

A bit wider, but still LOVING LIFE.
This was my winner. I even voted. I never vote.

HUNGARY. Points: 200 Position: 8th. Origo by Joci Pápai
Reality TV Background: Megasztár (Hungarian Idol)

Imagine having to follow Moldova. Imagine having to follow Moldova by singing in Hungarian about the racism Roma people in Hungary face, playing a milk churn and RAPPING. Joci's draw is not an easy one.

ITALY. Points: 334 Position: 6th. Occidentali's Karma by Francesco Gabbani
Reality TV Background: None

Alright Luigi, where's Mario? THIS was favourite to win before the competition started. WHY? I'm not even gonna talk about the fucking gorilla.

DENMARK. Points: 77 Position: 20th. Where I Am by Anja
Reality TV Background: Winner of The Voice Australia
Anja's Australian. Can you tell?

BOX FRESH from the Neighbours set.

PORTUGAL. Points: 758 Position: 1st. Amar Pelos Dois by Salvadore Sobras
Reality TV Background: Finalist Ídolos (Portuguese Idol)
Sounds Like: Moon River mixed with Let It Go sung by Max Bygraves

You know, I don't mind the song: he's got a lovely voice. I don't even mind that Salvadore has a terrible case of Tumblritis. IT'S HIS FACE. HE IS CLEARLY PLANNING TO WEAR YOUR SKIN.

Brief moment where I realise who the hosts remind me of...

AZERBAIJAN. Points: 120 Position: 14th. Skeletons by Dihaj
Reality TV Background: None. Are you shocked?
Looks Like: Natalia Kills

From one extreme to the other: a very different brand of try-hard.

I think she wants to fuck the horse? I dunno. What are thorn jeans? At the end, the Neighbourhood Watch from Hot Fuzz turn up and she marks them with plague crosses. I'm sure it makes sense in Azerbaijan.

CROATIA. Points: 128 Position: 13th. My Friend by Jacques Houdek
Reality TV Background: Mentor on Najljepši glas Hrvatske (Croatian The Voice). Also participated in UK X Factor in 2011.
Sounds Like: Think Twice
Looks Like: Dynamo from Running Man

Controversial Jacques is a massive homophobe, and you have to have some brass balls to come on EUROVISION and sing a POPERA DUET WITH YOURSELF looking like THAT with such a storied history of being a fucking BIGOTED JERK. He starts with a RIDICULOUS talky bit, that was charming from Conchita but is ARSEHOLEY from him. Ahem.

AUSTRALIA. Points: 173 Position: 9th. Don't Come Easy by Isaiah
Reality TV Background: Winner of X Factor Australia

Not. Fucking. Europe. He's in a big coat but no socks. He won't feel the benefit.

GREECE. Points: 77 Position: 19th. This is Love by Demy
Reality TV Background: None, although judged a musical theatre competition

Her gaping maw will devour us all. Those two men are splashing in water in nude shorts. It's VERY ORGIASTIC.

SPAIN. Points: 5 Position: 26th. Do It For Your Lover by Manel Navarro
Reality TV Background: None. Winner of the apparently untelevised Catalunya Teen Star.
Sounds Like: The Lazy Song/Billionaire

He looks like Madonna, he sounds like Bruno Mars, and it DESERVED TO COME LAST.

NORWAY. Points: 158 Position: 10th. Grab The Moment by JOWST
Reality TV Background: None
Looks Like: Kylo Ren and Fat Ryan Tedder

I think it's sweet that he brought his gimp along. And I secretly didn't hate this song. I'll show myself out.

Before the UK's entry, we get to see...

Måns Zelmerlöw!
Dear Eurovision. Please can Sweden host every year?

UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 111 Position: 15th. Never Give Up on You by Lucie Jones
Reality TV Background: SHOCK BOOT in X Factor 2009.

She was shock booted in favour of Jedward - they should have sent Jamie Afro instead. But revenge is hers - they came 19th in Baku 2012. It was alright.

CYPRUS. Points: 68 Position: 21st. Gravity by Hovig
Reality TV Background: X Factor Greece
Looks Like: A poor Nick Lachey

There's a lot of Ministry of Silly Walks shenanigans in this one. They're dancing on lines that the in-house audience can't see, so lawd knows what the crowd thought.

ROMANIA. Points: 282 Position: 7th. Yodel It! by Ilinca ft Alex Florea
Reality TV Background: Vocea României (Voice Romania), Românii au talent (Romania's Got Talent) AND X Factor Romania
Sounds Like: The best yodelling song since Hocus Pocus by Focus.

Yodelling is so deeply unattractive, and a needlessly aggressive rapper adds little. Neither does a pair of pointless cannons. Something about this made me badly want a Linkin Park cover. Chester Bennington as the yodeller, Mike Shinoda as the rapping boy. It'd be perfect. At the end, they start singing Call Me Maybe.

GERMANY. Points: 6 Position: 25th. Perfect Life by Levina
Reality TV Background: None
Sounds Like: Titanium with shades of Firework.

People HAVE heard Titanium, they DO KNOW when it's being ripped off. She reminded me of my old PE teacher.

UKRAINE. Points: 36 Position: 24th. Time by O.Torvald
Reality TV Background: None

Their VT promised Rammstein-style metal. I had high hopes. HIGH HOPES. I was disappointed.Quite like the Taskmaster trophy in the background though.

BELGIUM. Points: 363 Position: 4th. City Lights by Blanche
Reality TV Background: The Voice Belgique
Sounds Like: Mumford and Sons
Looks Like: Dead Jennifer Lawrence

Blanche looks like she may be reanimated. The song is pretty good. Her delivery is...not.

SWEDEN. Points: 344 Position: 5th. I Can't Go On by Robin Bengtson
Reality TV Background: Idol 2008 (Swedish Pop Idol)
Looks Like: #THICKE

MARKS AND SPENCER'S MENSWEAR COLLECTION: SPRING/SUMMER 2017!

BULGARIA. Points: 615 Position: 2nd. Beautiful Mess by Kristian Kostov
Reality TV Background: Голос. Дети (Russian The Voice Kids) and X Factor Bulgaria
Looks Like: Damien from The Omen

I'm a little afraid of this precocious young man. He might eat our souls.

FRANCE. Points: 135 Position: 12th. Requiem by Alma
Reality TV Background: None

Nice dress, shame about the song. Also, when the FRENCH are singing partly in English, Eurovision has gone AWRY.

TIME FOR THE INTERVAL ACT!

First up, VERKA opens the voting:

She's not changed a bit!

Then, Ruslana who won in 2004 and who is also a former Ukranian MP. I mean, Vitali Klitschko is the Mayor of Kyiv, so maybe they just like their celebs political in Ukraine.

It's called It's Magical and it's A BOP.

Next, a Ukranian folk dance band, led by some stormtroppers, called ONUKA. They were...quite something:

BIG HORNS!

CYBERGOTHS!

This CONFIDENT child won Junior Eurovision:

I mean the little girl - Vova is older than I am.

Before they go to the points, Jamala sings I Believe In U and someone MOONS HER.

200 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THIS BUM WIGGLE #EUROVISION pic.twitter.com/PkkXKwL5qN
— Christopher O'Rourke (@orourkechris) May 13, 2017

Thanks twitter. Someone rugby tackles him offstage, RIGHT IN THE GUTS, and Jamala is unphased. Such a pro.

They inadvertently call John Ola Sand 'The Grand Wizard' of Eurovision. It would explain why it's so WHITE.

AND NOW, THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE EVENING! THE POINTS FROM THE JURY, LIVE FROM THEIR NATIVE CITIES! Apologies for the shoddy quality - I blame Ukraine's Skype.