Eurovision 2017 - Here's What You Could Have Watched!

Before the meat of Eurovision begins on a Saturday in mid-May, two semi finals are broadcast on BBC4. One minute you're watching a show about splitting the atom, next Eurovision comes hurtling into view. Eighteen acts per show, ten acts from each move forward. This is where they sort the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the terrifying pigtailed Montenegrin from Epic Sax Guy. Oh yes, he's back.

If you don't watch the semis, then I pity you. Here's a quick recap of those who fell behind before tomorrow's main event:

First, we bid a sad farewell to Tamara Gachechiladze, the Georgian entry. A subpar Bond theme and a smoke machine no longer impresses the discerning Eurovision viewer. Frankly, nothing Georgia produces will ever be as good as Nina Sublatti screeching OXIMATED while dressed as a raven, but I'm not sure any Eurovision will ever be as good as 2015. The most impressive things about Tamara were her dress

And this guy being her sound engineer

Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

Next in the trash was Albania. Lindita, alumnus of American Idol, dressed like Charlotte Church on her wedding day. On crack. She sang badly, she looked terrifying:

Europe said no.

Next, a legitimate crying fucking shame. Montenegró's answer to Rylan Clarke, Slavko Kalezić. With his detachable plait spinning around like Bayonetta, looking somewhat like Hugo Weaving, singing about having his suit on, doing bad-stripper dancing.

How could you not vote for that? I am ashamed.

Finland were poorly represented by Norma John singing about a blackbird. I think they would have done better if they'd used their real names - Leene and Lasse. And it was just an extremely boring Eva Cassidy-ish ballad, with a BURNING PIANO.

I was fully expecting her dress to fly off, or anything to break up the tedium. But nope.

Iceland also failed to get through. This lady, Svala, is well known in Iceland as the singer of the amazingly named STEED LORD, as well as being on The Voice Iceland.

The wind machine! The shoes! The cape! THE BOOBS!

Also falling at this last hurdle was the Czech Republic (or Czechia as precisely nobody, including the Czech Republic, now calls it). Martina Bárta sang a song that sounded like every 90s Robbie William's ballad, and that would have been relatively innocuous except

for the seventies porn star hair and space blanket tracksuit. Sack yo stylist.

Abortively representing Slovenia, Omar Naber. Poor Omar doesn't even get a proper music video for his smarmy dirge. But if you ever wondered what Suggs would look like in the role of Neo

There's your answer.

Latvia has a history of bringing some PROPER BANGERZZZ to Eurovision, so this was a slight disappointment from Triana Park.

One third Soul Calibur character, one third Siobhan Fahey, one third Snowth.

First up in semi two, Serbia didn't make it either. Tijana Bogićević sang a direct rip of Firework by Katy Perry.

The Ghost of Princess Diana phoned. She wants her skirt back.

Poor Jana Burčeska, representing the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia had a hell of a night. She unveiled her pregnancy as part of her VT

then partied like a stripper to an upbeat Robynish track

got engaged and then binned off.

I swear every year Malta send some big bosomy boring ballad. Claudia Faniello got to do it this year.

It was her eleventh attempt at getting on Eurovision. Give it up, Claudia. Also, she thinks she used to be an Ancient Egyptian...

Ireland's disappointment manifested in tiny, Joe Lycett-ish boychild Brendan Murray. Formerly in a boyband managed by Louis Walsh (are you shocked?), he has not yet experienced the joy of puberty. One for the nans.

And that hot air balloon DIDN'T EVEN LIFT UP!

From tiny child to tiny San Marino, who this year gave us Valentina Monetta's FIFTH shot at the title. She brought in some American guy called Jimmie Wilson. They kept LAUGHING in a stagey manner.

It was basically every 90s duet you ever heard, with a retina searing background display.

Failing for Switzerland were Timebelle and a song that was almost a direct rip of Impossible by Shontelle.

SO YELLOW! Did they learn NOTHING from Nicky Byrne last year?

For Lithuania, this woman and her pet Christopher Ecclestone. They were called Fusedmarc, which sounds painful.

Just a bit of mid-90s dance, sung by a woman who managed to be both scary and bland.

And last to be booted were Estonia. I had high hopes for an Estonia duet of the sort to rival 2015's Goodbye to Yesterday. Alas, instead we got Koit Toome and Laura wibbling about Verona.

 

Poor Laura suffered for this drippingly smug twat. And nobody smiled at the dog.

And so, sixteen entirely WORTHWHILE acts consigned to the BIN in favour of tomorrow's CRÉME DE LA CRÉME. Honest.