Welcome to Eurovision 69. Nice. I am sober. And tonight, we are in St Jakobshalle in Basel!
Last year, a non-binary prawn stood on a spinning disc singing their heart out for Switzerland and recognition and won. They broke the code. And broke the trophy.
NORWAY. Points: 89. Position: 18th. Song: Lighter by Kyle Alessandro
LUXEMBOURG. Points: 47. Position: 22nd. Song: La Poupée Monte le Son by Laura Thorn
Right, let's get one thing straight. POUPÉE DE CIRE POUPÉE DE SON IS AN ABSOLUTE MASTERCLASS IN EUROVISIONING AND THIS WAS A PALE IMITATION INDEED. This song is about the doll coming to life and wreaking a terrible revenge against France Gall. As with last year, Luxembourg got a bit overexcited and threw everything AND the kitchen sink at the staging. God knows what the audience made of her flapping about on the floor at the start.
VERY Baby's First Fashion Show. Of course that dress came off. Of course. La poopy doopy soup.
ESTONIA. Points: 356. Position: 3rd. Song: Espresso Macchiato by Tommy Cash
Bit racist, but what a tune. WHAT A DANCE! His legs move as if independent from his body! No stresso, no stresso, no need to be depresso INDEED.
Damiano David could nevah.
ISRAEL. Points: 357. Position: 2nd. Song: New Day Will Rise by Yuval Raphael
You can bring them here. You can't make me watch them.
LITHUANIA. Points: 96. Position: 16th. Song: Tavo Akys by Katarsis
The man with the Billie Eilish eyes. Maybe that's what the song is about. It's all had the air of a Placebo b-side, only with scrubs. Towards the end, they all wandered off to the front of the stage, with WEATHER OCCURRING, screeching tavo [yours]... and leaving the drummer a full mile behind them.
SPAIN. Points: 37. Position: 24th. Song: Esa Diva by Melody
The first of MANY women in leotard and boots, using up Basel's entire supply of tit tape, bursting through those... blood red curtains. Oooh matron. Not a hit.
UKRAINE. Points: 218. Position: 9th. Song: Bird of Pray by Ziferba
Ukraine, despite everything, usually send a TOP FIVE TUNE to Eurovision. But not this year. This SOUNDED like the theme tune to a dodgy 80s superhero show where everything was solved with the gift of heart. And with vaseline smeared all over the camera, it LOOKED a hot fucking mess.
This lad, Daniel Leshchynskyi, is FRESH from his shampoo and set and ready to wow Europe. But for the first time since 2021, Europe said... ehhhh. Not Kenough.
UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 88. Position: 19th. Song: What The Hell Just Happened? by Remember Monday
What the hell just happened INDEED? What a fucking MESS. The Schuyler sisters as played by Atomic Kitten after a trip to Disney. Not a single point from the public vote. OUCH.
AUSTRIA. Points: 436. Position: WINNER. Song: Wasted Love by JJ
It began with a tiny child (twenty-four years old) tucked up in bed on his boat, with UNEXPECTED OPERA and an even more unexpected DONK PLACED UPON IT AT THE END. Life of Pi in da club. Worra show, I love it. A worthy winner.
ICELAND. Points: 33. Position: 25th. Song: Róa by Væb
But nobody loved Icelandic Jedward, fresh from the year 2000 with their vajazzled eyes and nautical theme and key change.
LATVIA. Points: 158. Position: 13th. Song: Bur man laimi by Tautumeitas
The dryads of Lativa have unionised, behind a bead curtain, singing their magical spell song. One can only imagine what the costuming meeting was like. "PLASTIC ANTLERS? YAAAS!". Risky with all that gauze.
Oh and then they grew tails. Amazing work.
THE NETHERLANDS. Points: 175. Position: 12th. Song: C'est La Vie by Claude
Last year, we were robbed of Joost Klein at the last moment, and this year, the Dutch sent the safest, most boring chap they could find to sing in FRENCH. Nice pearls.
FINLAND. Points: 196. Position: 11th. Song: Ich Komme by Erika Vikman
This. This is more like it. THIS IS ROUSING. This is giving Mum went to karaoke after a bottomless brunch, and oh God, she's had six pornstar martinis since 4:30pm. Come down off there babes, you'll hurt yourself, remember last time? I love Erika, and her joyous ode to shagging.
ITALY. Points: 256. Position: 5th. Song: Volevo Essere un Duro by Lucio Corsi
Why? Why is the piano so big? Vibes are off, as the kids say. He thinks he's Gene Simmons doing a ballad, but it's giving... Samara from The Ring.
POLAND: Points: 156. Position: 14th. Song: Gaja by Justyna Steczkowska
THIRTY YEARS AGO? WAS SHE A FUCKING FOETUS? But no, Poland's answer to Cher is 52 and wearing an outfit that would make me look like an overused stress ball. So many holes! Someone on their production team has clearly been playing Baldur's Gate 3, because this is ALL GITHYANKI, down to the dragon.
Then they suspend her in the air for no reason, with Viserion behind her. Lovely bit of bollocks.
GERMANY. Points: 151. Position: 15th. Song: Baller by Abor & Tynnar
And here is Germany's answer to Charlie XCX, hiding under the stairs of EDM. Ballalalalalalallalala.
GREECE. Points: 231. Position: 6th. Song: Asteromata by Klavdia
Nana Mouskouri rides again. Greece always send something a bit...mythic and this was no different. If Athena was played by Anne Kirkbride, god rest her. Sprouting fully formed out of Bill Roache's head, shrieking KEN!
ARMENIA. Points: 72. Position: 20th. Song: Survivor by Parg
God how we love Dirty Parg in our house. So dirty, so unnecessarily dirty, and SUCH big trousers. He;s a survivor, he is aliveuh, he's not gon' give'up, he's gon work harder. Or something. A one-man advert for PureGym, an inspiration.
SWITZERLAND. Points: 214. Position: 10th. Song: Voyage by Zoë Më
This was a real gear-change after Parg. A sad bridesmaid having a snivel after being shut down by the obviously-but-not-obviously gay groomsman. THEN SHE GOT A BIT MAD, then back to snivelling. All a bit Barbara Pravi, not a single public vote, and yet such a high scorer.
MALTA. Points: 91. Position: 17th. Song: Serving by Miriana Conte
Fuckin' 'ell lads. Kant is Maltese for 'singing' but guess what it sounds like? Oh yes. Serving KANT indeed. An absolute bop, a stone-cold banger, a joblot of Ann Summers and Schwarzkopf box dye, the interior of your local Cosy Club and... gym balls
Belter.
PORTUGAL. Points: 50. Position: 21st. Song: Deslocado by Napa
OH I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM WITH ALL THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS, SMUG KANTS.
DENMARK. Points: 47. Position: 23rd. Song: Hallucination by Sissal
Bloody hell, it's Annette Badland in a blonde wig.
You can't send Annette Badland singing a Loreen rip-off to Eurovision and expect it to do well.
SWEDEN. Points: 321. Position: 4th. Song: Bara Bada Bastu by KAJ
An earworm. A song about the sauna in Frozen with a big sausage. OI OI. There's a James van der Beek one, a cheeky one...
And this sexual beast. This will be in my head for the rest of time.
FRANCE. Points: 230. Position: 7th. Song: Maman by Louane
Last year, Denmark sent a girl singing about sand, complete with sand waterfall, and she didn't get past the semi-finals. And France GOT AN IDEA. Louane and her sand fountain did somewhat better than poor Saba. LE SABLE EST PARTOUT, MAAAMAAAAN J'AI BESOIN UN BALAIIIIIII, MAAMAAAAAAN is what she didn't sing. Gawd, I bet she'll be finding sand in her bra for weeks.
SAN MARINO. Points: 27. Position: Last. Song: Tutta l'Italia by Gabry Ponte
I am not sure Tim Westwood should be anyone's style icon. Apparently, this song is gently mocking Italians so please explain to us why this statue is
...off it's face on cocaine?
ALBANIA. Points: 218. Position: 8th. Song: Zjerm by Shkodra Elektronike
And to round out the night, some vampires. Very poor vampiric showing this year, barely a menacing glare among them.
But what vampiric lady is complete without her Pinocchio, and his gentle threatening intonation.
And so, with that lot over and the voting already open, time for a costume change.
My eyes! My eyes!
Four former Swiss contestants show up to perform their classics. First, Peter, Sue and Marc (sans Sue) who took part in Eurovision on four separate occasions. Is that a RECORD?
Luca Hänni with a bop
And Gjon's Tears. Again. Tune.
Then came my personal highlight. A battle!
Betwixt Baby Lasagne vs Käärijä, my two robbed baes...
I don't have words to say how much this meant to me.
Although dabbing, lads? In this the year of our lord twenty twenty five?
Ah well.
For the traditionalists, a lovely big horn
And then Nemo returns to perform their new song... dressed as Grayson Perry... in Cabaret.
I MEAN, IT IS A LOOK. Lovely set of pipes.
And then the votes close, and it's time for the ABSOLUTE BEST BIT OF THE NIGHT!
THE AWKWARD ZOOM JURY VOTES! But Martin Österdahl does not tell us we're good to go... so does it even count?
There's thirty-seven of them, so let's go.
And so, after the jury vote, the leaderboard looked like this...
And it came down to Israel vs Austria
(which is ...er... not a conflict we wish to reignite)
AUSTRIA WINS!!
Well done JJ. We stan an operatic banger.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back next year (from my living room) in Vienna.. or maybe Linz? For a change?
