Eurovision 2024: Going Down Swinging

Did I cancel plans this year because I forgot Eurovision was this week? Yes. Did I watch the first semi-final in a delirium because my youngest son was up til 3am the night before? Yes. Was it worth it? OH YES. ALWAYS.

The contest properly kicks off tomorrow night, but with thirty-seven potential acts and only twenty-six slots, some CULLING has been necessary.  No Romania this year, so a distinct lack of vampires. 

There are times when the semi finals feel a bit laboured, but not with Sweden hosting. Not with a pro like PETRA MEDE at the wheel.

The NOISE Petra got in the studio was heartening. Malin Akerman was also present. 

The first semi final opened with a performance of Fuego (banger), Popular (by Eric Saade, in a Eurovision I missed in a postnatal haze: that baby is now 13 and VERY INTO EUROVISION) and SloMo. In our house, Chanel is known as the Spanish Buttock Lady, and she was simply the first of many buttocks on display. 

The interval act was slightly mediocre. Boil-washed Johnny Logan singing a very heartfelt version of Euphoria:

And then Benjamin Ingrosso, singing a medley. Nobody asked for a medley of Ingrosso. He reminds me of a young Howard Donald:

Smug!

Semi Final Two had something of an elephant in the room. A huge elephant. An Israeli elephant. The protests outside the venue were quite staggering, blocking the Øresund Bridge. The repeated exhortations to PLEASE ENJOY THIS, we're UNITED by MUSIC, stop BOOING for GOD'S SAKE were quite funny, in a...this is a very weird scenario kinda way. Pity the sound engineer who had to try and clean that up, is all I'll say for now...

But it also started rather hilariously, with Petra and Malin taking the piss out of Loreen:

I wouldn't take the piss out of Loreen. Not with those nails.

They also took the piss out of poor Miss France. The interval act was MUCH IMPROVED, with a kind of cruise ship sing-off between Helena Paparizou, Charlotte Perrelli (nee Nilsson, my father's great love of 1999) and Sertab Erener:

This was presented as a karaoke opportunity. Charlotte Perrelli is Benjamin Ingrosso's ex-aunt. Sweden IS VERY SMALL. 

Charlotte and her WIG LINE came back to sing about Eurovision with Petra, and Sarah Dawn Finer. 

It was not as good as this:

But it did feature MOOMINS, as well as my one true love, my boy, the most robbed:

I love you Käärijä, I won't forget.

Speaking of Eurovision men I love, WHERE THE FUCK IS MÅNS ZELMERLÖW? WHERE IS HE? I KNOW HE'S THERE SOMEWHERE. 

They also aired short tributes to poor dead Nicole and nul pointer extraordinaire Jahn Teigan. The show ended with Herreys singing Diggi Loo Diggi Ley. 

My husband turned forty this week, and his poor mother endured many hours of labour with Eurovision on in the background, and comes out in hives when she hears this song. This one's for you Jenny. 

And with that, we move on to... the losers...

POLAND LUNA: The Tower 

I think the saddest thing about Luna was how absolutely gutted she was that she didn't get through. The song was actually pretty good but the staging! A weird mix of the Bad Romance video and The Green Knight, with jump cuts all over the place. They must have all been fucking knackered by the end. 

ICELAND Hera Björk: Scared of Heights 

It's Mum's first night out since the twins were born, and she's got a box of wine hidden in that jumpsuit.

MOLDOVA Natalia Barbu: In The Middle 

A LOVELY GIRDLE. A LOVELY FIDDLE.

AUSTRALIA Electric Fields: One Mikali (One Blood)  

Do you know which country is very much not in Europe? You've guessed it. A song worthy of the Drag Race finale. That's not a compliment. What a lovely big didgeridoo though. 

AZERBAIJAN FAHREE ft Ilkin Dovlatov: Özünlə apar 

According to lore/the internet, Fahree (the one who's dressed for CODBlOPs) won the selection process and then invited Ilkin, a runner up, to perform with him. And Ilkin, bless his heart, had the air of a man who'd been running the same coffee shop for thirty-five years and it was the first time he'd been away, and he was quite anxious to get back. With added yodelling. 

MALTA Sarah Bonnici: Loop 

Sarah Bonnici has a very rich dad, but even a very rich dad couldn't make this work. BONDAGE couldn't make this work. It sounded like she was singing about Louis LaLoupe, Encore Tricolore neva4get.

ALBANIA Besa: Titan

All the imagery in this act was from the Disney movie Hercules.

CRUSH BESA! BLOW BESA AWAY!

I did enjoy the unexpected 80s movie montage breakdown at the end.

CZECHIA Aiko: Pedestal

ROBBED. ENTIRELY ROBBED. Mid-90s grunge vibes and a LOVELY BLOUSE, with a marital breakdown in the breakdown. 

DENMARK. Saba: Sand 

Saba looked very small, and a bit frit, with her handfuls of sand. Her trousers must have been full of it. Then she threw her arms wide open and screeched "SAND" and my son wet himself laughing. 

SAN MARINO Megara: 11:11 

San Marino have finally run out of people to send, and Serhat was evidently busy, so they resorted to this Spanish metal band. Who were fucking *awful* except for the outfits... Nice boots, shame about the song.

BELGIUM Mustii: Before the Party's Over 

A shock boot! Mustii is Belgium's answer to Olly Alexander. He is a JUDGE on Drag Race Belgique. I was expected great things, but nah. An overwrought, intense ballad performed by a man who'd come straight from playing The Bully in a 90s teen movie. Even in that outfit, he looks like he's about to give me a wedgie and shut me in a wheelie bin. 

My faves: Croatia, Ireland, Switzerland, Netherlands, Luxembourg. 

TOMORROW! CRISPS! WINE! TWENTY SIX ACTS! INCLUDING ISRAEL! GOOD GRIEF!