Hoo boy, what a weird few days in Eurovision land. First, there were massive protests in Malmö around Israel being allowed to compete. KAN, the Israeli version of the BBC was accused of being incredibly obnoxious in general, but specifically about Bambie Thug in their commentary. Then Joost Klein, the Dutch entry, called out the Israeli entry (of which more anon) for refusing to answer political questions in conferences. Then, during the dress rehearsal on Friday, Joost assaulted a member of the production crew. What manner this assault took, we don't know: reports suggest he made a violent gesture to someone who was filming him without consent.
So, he wasn't allowed to perform for the jury vote (which is done on Friday night) and was officially disqualified on Saturday. This has literally never happened before. In protest, the Dutch, Finnish and Norwegian jury vote presenters withdrew (including Käärijä). There was a point on Saturday when nobody thought the show would go on at all. It did, but as the kids say, the vibes were off.
ANYWAY! Welcome to Eurovision 68, live from Malmö, and back in Sweden fifty years after Abba won in Brighton 1974.
We kick off with Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden showing off her fancy house.
GREETINGS PEASANTS.
Sweden has a long, proud tradition of winning Eurovision: Abba, Herreys, Carola, Charlotte Nilsson, Loreen, Måns Zelmerlöw and Loreen again. However, none of them are available so instead, the opening act is er... Björn Skifs, singing Hooked on a Feeling, which is not even a SONG HE DID AT EUROVISION.
THIS IS NOT THE BJÖRN WE ARE LOOKING FOR!
Then, flags, to a host of Swedish bangers (but without poor dead Avicii). Always nice to see who has a big flag:
And who has a tiny flag (and no bra):
And who WEARS their flag:
And who brings out ANOTHER FLAG ENTIRELY:
(the non-binary pride flag, for reference)
Our hosts are Petra Mede and Malin Akerman.
Here they are, dressed like bloody Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson. They know him so well. This is Petra's third go at hosting, and she is magnificent and Malin didn't...really need to be there.
ON Y VA!
Every year, Eurovision present each act using POSTCARD VTs showing you the sights of either the host country or the participant's country, and this year's were a right bunch of shit. Two seconds of half-decent entries of yore and then some vertiginous video filmed in selfie mode. But I DID enjoy the ludicrous act slo-mo card before they cut back to the studio:
OOH
AHHH
MMM
YEAH!
SWEDEN. Points: 174. Position: 9th. Song: Unforgettable by Marcus and Martinus
Background: Norwegian Jedward
I make it a point of honour to never listen to the six automatic final songs until the final, and was pleasantly surprised by these two boybanders, with their Morten Harket faces. But why are they Norwegian? Is there nobody left in Sweden?
UKRAINE. Points: 453. Position: 3rd. Song: Teresa and Maria by Alyona Alyona and Jerry Heil
Background: Ukrainian singers
Lovely STRONG VISUALS here; she looks like she's just been born out of Zeus' head. This was an appeal to the Catholics, singing about both the Virgin Mary and Mother Teresa. Until Alyona appeared with her sword to do a rap...
...giving major pub landlady vibes. When you have Eurovision at 8, and you're hosting the darts at 9... Get out of here Andrei, I told you you're fuckin banned, don't make me get the sword.
GERMANY. Points: 117. Position: 12. Song: Always on the Run by Isaak
Background: Winner Show Your Talent, 2021
Ooo I didn't like this, too aimless with SO MUCH FIRE. I know Rammstein's tour kicked off on Saturday night, but they clearly had some pyro left in Germany. NICE FLAMING BIN, SHAME ABOUT THE SONG.
LUXEMBOURG. Points: 103. Position: 13. Song: Fighter by Tali
Background: Musicial Theatre
Miss Trunchbull could just pluck her up and lob her out of the window with those pigtails. This was Luxembourg's first entry since 1993, and it was a fairly good song with very busy staging. Why the tigers? Did they just get excited by the shift in visual tech since the early 90s? It's quite the jump from this.
NETHERLANDS. Points: DQ Position: DQ. Song: Europapa by Joost Klein
Background: The thing we dread most: a former YouTuber
Joost wrote this song about his dad, who is dead. How VERY X Factor 2008. The final few moments were a spoken word tribute to his father, but the previous several moments was a slightly deranged ode to Europe. Would he have won? No. Would he have been top five? Maybe. But the important thing is that combo of haircut and shoulder pads, and the tribute to 2Unlimited.
Farewell Joost, good luck in court.
ISRAEL. Points: 375. Position: 5th. Song: Hurricane by Eden Golan
Background: Finalist Голос Дети, 2018
You'll note she was a finalist on The Voice Kids RUSSIA, because she's somehow managed to represent BOTH the villains of Eurovision this year. Eden is an actual wanted criminal in Ukraine for performing in occupied Crimea, which is quite the record for a woman who is only twenty years old. And yes she WAS brave to perform despite the very vocal backlash, and she DID do a decent performance, but I'm not sure she had any real choice.
And the song was so much bobbins, populated by the people of the cog. Eden came second in the public vote, allegedly because of shenanigans, but maybe the EBU need to firm up their rules around countries entering who are engaged in active genocide conflict. It would have saved a lot of trouble, just sayin'...
LITHUANIA. Points: 90. Position: 14th. Song: Luktelk by Silvester Belt
Background: Junior Eurovision 2010 (8th place), X Faktorius 2018 (10th)
After all that, it was nice to get back to what Eurovision is all about: bangers. I don't know why Silvester had that on his nose, maybe it's a gak-protector. I liked his lil ninja minions. I liked his bell-bottoms.
COMEDY INTELUDE: let's all bow down to Karin Falck, who is STILL LIVING and NINETY-TWO and here tonight (by video-link):
SOME PEOPLE REMEMBER THEIR ROOTS, ABBA.
SPAIN. Points: 30. Position: 22nd. Song: Zorra by Nebulossa
Background: A happily married couple
A happily married couple who saw you across the bar and liked your vibe. A happily married couple with a full forest of pampas grass outside their house. A happily married couple who have never knowingly displayed a pineapple the right way up.
ESTONIA. Points: 37. Position: 20th. Song: (Nendest) Narkootikumidest Ei Tea Me (küll) Midagi by 5miinust and Puuluup
Background: A hip-hop/folk collaboration
They listened to Stefania and came up with this... Worra fucking din. The song is about how they're not intro drugs, and frankly, I think the lady doth protest too much. VERY strong Status Quo vibes. Is this what Rick Parfitt's up to these days? Anyway, their shit scoring showed that you need more than Dave Myers' Estonian twin exorcising a rapper with a talharper and a dance to win Eurovision these days.
IRELAND. Points: 278. Position: 6th. Song: Doomsday Blue by Bambie Thug
Background: A witch! Fetch a duck!
Now, at first glance, this is the Grimes you get when you order them off Wish. However, Bambie Thug wrote this song about being raped. And then symbolically murdered their rapist on stage, screaming their fucking head off, wearing the trans pride flag.
Crown the witch.
LATVIA. Points: 64. Position: 16th. Song: Hollow by Dons
Background: Latvian popstar
Sorry, wrong pic.
I don't know why he was wearing a stab vest performing in a roll of sellotape either. Maybe he can't find the end?
GREECE. Points: 126. Position: 11th. Song: Zari by Marina Satti
Background: Jaaaazzz, nice
MARINA SATTI IS THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD.
This song took forever to get going, and then was a stone cold bop.
UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 46. Position: 18th. Song: Dizzy by Olly Alexander
Background: Him off the telly/Years and Years
This is not your best work, Olly. The staging was a horrible, nauseating mess and his vocal was weak as hell for the first half. No public vote points. Not one. Eesh.
COMEDY INTERLUDE at the halfway point. They got Sarah Dawn Finer to do a funny song about how much everyone fancies Martin Österdahl. Except errrr... nobody does this year. Lynda Woodruff had shades of Honey G.
NORWAY. Points: 16. Position: 25th. Song: Ulveham by Gåte
Background: Metal-folk band
Evanescence are back! Hooting like a fuckin' owl will only get you so far, even if you do recklessly toss your guitars around. This song, about killing your evil stepmother, probably worked better if you understand Norwegian.
ITALY. Points: 268. Position: 7th. Song: La Noia by Angelina Mango
Background: Italian popstar
WHAT A NAME! Sounds like a stripper in a working men's club. After the meat raffle, we've got a dance for the fellas from Angelina Mango. And worra tune! Shame about the shoes though, ruins the whole fit.
SERBIA. Points: 54. Position: 17th. Song: Ramonda by Teya Dora
Background: Went viral on TikTok
I think Teya Dora got a bit lost between Angelina Mango and the monstrosity of Finland. But I quite enjoyed Dark Ariel on her rock.
FINLAND. Points: 38. Position: 19th. Song: No Rules! by Windows95Man
Background: He is AN ARTISTE
And this is his ART.
I don't know if you ever watched the Fast Show, but the Colin Hunt vibes coming off this man were STRONG. He ran around with his arse out and then set fire to his shorts. That way lies a burned perineum.
These dancers, however, absolutely captured 1995.
PORTUGAL. Points: 152. Position: 10th. Song: Grito by Iolanda
Background: Multiple Portuguese talent shows: did not place
I don't know how this did so well. Perhaps it was simply a nice aural balm after the screeching burning bollock that preceded it. The 'ainda arde' (it still burns) chorus has a lovely lullaby quality to it.
But why SO MANY GIMPS?
ARMENIA. Points: 183. Position: 8th. Song: Jako by LADANIVA
Background: They are from LILLE and named after a CAR
Ooh, you know when you're at a festival and you go in the wrong tent? Yeah. This is what I imagine ketamine feels like.
CYPRUS. Points: 78. Position: 15th. Song: Liar by Silia Kapsis
Background: Mainly in dance and kid's TV
Seventeen years old. Two minutes and fifty-eight seconds of dance break.
SWITZERLAND. Points: 591. Position: WINNER. Song: The Code by Nemo
Background: Evidently famous in Switzerland
Who knew, that in this year of global conflict, political infighting and general horror at life, we needed a singing non-binary prawn on a disc to cheer us up?
An absolute fucking BANGER of a song, with a rap, hooting, a BOND THEME feel and a hell of a performance. However, Nemo is twenty-four. By the time we get to Chișinău 2058, they're gonna be crying as they climb up on to that disc. "Please God, let me do it on the ground"
COMEDY INTERLUDE NUMBER THREE! Fun fact, Malin is married to the guy who played Jason in Atlantits. What a show that was! And it turns out that Jason from Atlantits' mother - Chrissy Wickham - choreographed Buck's Fizz. More importantly, and entirely omitted by the show, she was in Hot Gossip. This was some Grade A Filler, but I guess it gave Malin something to do...
HI CHRISSY!
SLOVENIA. Points: 27. Position: 23rd. Song: Veronika by Raiven
Background: Opera singer, her third try getting on Eurovision
Another witch in a cheap bodysuit. Has Rita Ora been selling a joblot? Even with the orgy, she's nowhere near as powerful as Bambie Thug; not even ONE onstage murder.
CROATIA. Points: 547. Position: 2nd. Song: Rim Tim Tagi Dim by Baby Lasagne
Background: Metal producer
This was my fave going in. The spiritual successor to Käärijä, with an Adam Ant vibe, against a driving beat and an invitation to prance. I will always prance when invited to do so. There was a NUN, there was a DANCE, there was a stupidly catchy CHORUS. A worthy second place.
GEORGIA. Points: 34. Position: 21st. Song: Firefighter by Nutsa Buzaladze
Background: *All* the talent contests on the Black Sea
THROW IT BACK FOR DEEZ NUTSA
FRANCE. Points: 445. Position: 4th. Song: Mon Amour by Slimane
Background: Winner La Plus Belle Voix, 2016
With his moth-eaten shirt and his HAIR PIERCING, and his bellowing at the microphone from several feet away...
They could have got you a loudhailer, love. Slimane was a BIG HIT. That song seemed to drain the life out of him, so perhaps it's a good thing he didn't win.
AUSTRIA. Points: 24. Position: 24th. Song: We Will Rave by Kaleen
Background: Finalist Got To Dance Germany, 2014
Kaleen heard it was a singing competition, but she came here, in a PUFFA JACKET and great BIG BOOTS, for one thing only. And that was to rum de dum de dum rave. It was like Scooter never went away. So strong was the power of her dance, she borked the live feed. Nobody voted for her. POOR KALEEN.
Apropos of nothing: here is Scooter screaming at a Christmas tree and making it explode. 1:18, you won't regret it.
So. The interval. Everyone expected Abba. Everyone. Fifty years since they won, contest in Sweden, Abba and Eurovision go hand in hand, but nah. First, we got Alcazar...
Uncanny valley. I've played video games with more convincing characters. WHERE'S YER PERM, ANNI-FRID?
Anyway, as Abba weren't playing ball, they got Charlotte Perrelli (nee Nilsson) (see semi final blog), Conchita Wurst and Carola to come and sing it.
And this was when I started to worry about Måns Zelmerlöw. What has he done to upset the EBU? To go from hosting in 2016 to notsomuch as an honourable mention in 2024 is weird.
After a bit of Petra being relatable:
It was time for Loreen! Impaled on a stool, wafting around in a door curtain. She sang a weird remix of her new single (which sounds just like her other two), and Tattoo.
And so, the green room opens
JJ ABRAMS FOUND ROTTING
And we go to my favourite part of the night: the jury votes. Martin Österdahl normally makes a meal out of saying "you're good to go" but was so ROUNDLY BOOED that he just spluttered it out and prayed for no issues in the voting...
It's a hard life being the face of the EBU...
JURY VOTE ROUNDUP! Alas, no Romanian vampires this year.
PREGNANT JAMALA!
JOANNA LUMLEY!
Former Luxembourg host (1984) lookin well preserved
Eurovision votes at 3am (Azerbaijan standard time), prom at 4
A likely future San Marino contestant in her bra
AN ABSOLUTE DANGER
NICE SHIRT
ALBANIAN SECRET SERVICE, FOR THE... TWELFTH YEAR RUNNING!
SPANGLY!
BOO, ISRAEL
I know Denmark is only across the bridge, but she could have dressed up... She looks like she's off to parents' evening and wants to wow the maths department.
The Spanish orgy continues apace in Benidorm...
Northern Lights? Completed it, mate.
THIS IS NOT BARBARA SCHÖNEBERGER.
Armenia's Brunette, looking SHINY
She's got a LOT of angry stepchildren
This is NOT Nina Sublatti.
The Swiss are so excited, they are SLICK
Moldova have sent this very worried woman, again. Let her rest!
The funny thing is that Helena Paparizou is probably still in Malmö, freezing her arse off in that frock.
Birgit of Estonia, a vision in aqua
The Netherlands didn't send anyone to present their jury vote, so Martin had to do it among great jeers. UNPRECEDENTED, I TELL THEE.
Oh dear. Oh dear, we've disappointed Philipp. Every year he wears this shirt, and have we LEARNED? HAVE WE LEARNED ANYTHING? DOES HE HAVE TO CHANGE HIS SHIRT? DON'T MAKE HIM ANGRY, YOU WON'T LIKE HIM WHEN'S ANGRY.
Elle a l'air de la tour eiffel, mais inversée. Également, les cheveux de la petite orpheline, Annie. COMME CHIC!
Land of Armani and Dolce Gabanna and he shows up dressed like Peewee Herman
No cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha
Last year, she was the last woman in Flares. Nothing has changed.
SULTRIEST WOMAN IN BELGIUM!
"HELLO BOYS"
"HELLO LADIES"
The best facial hair in Ireland? POSSIBLY. Ultimately responsible for Riverdance? DEFINITELY.
I am OBSESSED with this Polish girl who apparently learned English in Wales and has the BEST ACCENT
The loudest jacket we're getting tonight. Sigh.
A VAMPIRE! AT LAST!
Biti zdrava, biti zdrava, biti zdrava, biti-biti-biti-biti zdrava
And finally, this lad who represented Sweden in 2016 and ISN'T MÅNS
So, before the numberwang, the leaderboard looked like this:
And AFTER the jury vote?
Nemo wins!
This bit was very "walking out onto Centre Court for the ladies finals". Maybe don't put the green room in another STATE next year?
Well done Nemo... immediately breaking the trophy is quite an achievement.
Crown the prawn.
And that's the end of the weirdest Eurovision for SOME CONSIDERABLE TIME.
Thanks for reading, join me next year in LA SUISSE!
