Eurovision 2023: The Beaten and The Damned

In the interests of full disclosure, you should be aware that I am extremely emotional about Eurovision this year, and ended up weeping FAR MORE than I expected to through both semis.

ANYWAY, this year's Eurovision, as you cannot fail to have noticed, is taking place in Liverpool rather than Lviv, because of CERTAIN GEOPOLITICAL EVENTS. THAT MAKE ME CRY.

The first semi opened with a performance from Julia Sanina and The HardKiss. Julia barged through the happy children looking like a GODDESS 

Fuck it up, Julia. That guitarist is her HUSBAND by the way, a lucky man. 

Our hosts were Julia, representing Ukraine, Alesha Dixon, representing the Mis-Teeq ladies, and Hannah Waddingham, representing all the snarkers:

What. A. Lineup.

The first semi final featured

Måns because he lives in England now. HE'S OURS SWEDEN, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM BACK.

Three-quarters of Buck's Fizz, with a genuinely staggering amount of fake hair. Never go full Trump...

And Rita Ora doing her one song (whatever that is?)

She's got the best agent in the business...

And Rebecca Ferguson HONKING AWAY in feathers like it's 2010, in competition with a much sweeter voiced Aloysha. 

Look, it made me cry, despite the honking. 

The second semi final featured:

Timur! I don't give a shit about Graham: TIMUR!

Scooch. The years have not been kind.

Luke Evans reciting a baffling poem dressed as a 1930s boxer.

A medley of Ukrainian musicals, including the Carol of the Bells, or ANXIETY! ANXIETY! ANXIETY! as it's known in our house

And some DRAAAAAAAG!

Thirty-seven countries entered Eurovision this year: Bulgaria, Montenegro, North Macedonia couldn't afford it, and Russia are OBVIOUSLY PERSONA NON GRATA. So, fifteen acts performed in semi final one with five given the chop. A further sixteen performed in semi final two, with another six kicked out. 

First on the block, 

MALTA The Busker: Dance (Our Own Party) 

It appears that this bunch of absolute spanners took their inspo from last year's first boot. Never a good idea. Cor, that opening trumpet goes right through you. Anyway, there was some very elaborate staging, featuring the ghost of Destiny, various 8-bit graphics and terrible, terrible jumpers. 

Very much what you'd get if you ordered the Jonas Brothers off Wish...

LATVIA Sudden Lights: Aijā

Latvia, land of absolute bangers, sent this lot to perform a slightly weird downbeat...thing, like being trapped in the chillout room after the mania of Serbia. The singer looked like the lovechild of  Michael McIntyre.

ALESHA DIXON DID A RAP!

MIS-TEEQ WITH THE BUMP AND FLEX

IRELAND Wild Youth: We Are One

Oh dear Ireland. The song was FINE. The singer though! Oh he was like a very depressed Elvis impersonator being forced to perform at gunpoint. 

Austin Butler didn't have to put up with this shit. Next time, just send My Lovely Horse lads. 

AZERBAIJAN TuralTuranX: Tell Me More

Um.

They're only fucking twenty-two.

THE NETHERLANDS Mia Nicolai and Dion Cooper: Burning Daylight

Last and very much least was this dirgey old shit, written by Duncan Laurence. It was VERY figure skaters in love, and I HATED IT. 

SEMI FINAL TWO was far less of a goth sex party. BOO

DENMARK Reiley: Breaking My Heart

This child is in his mid-twenties. It was very Justin Bieber, breathy bollocks, and I hated all of it. I hated the staging. I hated his hair. I hated the cut-outs in his jacket. I hated his knuckledusters. I hated the ton of vocal effects thrown all over the chorus. Urgh.

ROMANIA Theodor Andrei: D.G.T (On and Off)

But this was WORSE. He's a MIME. Never trust a MIME. 

WHAT IS THIS FLOOR? LIKE A PERIOD LAKE FULL OF WOMEN

ICELAND Diljá: Power

Diljá looked like she could kill you with her bare hands, and frankly, I'm here for it. Her dangly earrings were a bit risky with all the VAULTING about. 

GREECE Victor Vernicos: What They Say

Oh this poor little boy. He's only sixteen! Victor is a boxer, and wasn't allowed to box in the run-up to the show in case he smashed his nose in, and this was a performance of BARELY RESTRAINED FRUSTRATION. Jittering, bouncing, po-going, running amok. Dressed as a boy scout. Weird.

GEORGIA Iru: Echo

KILL IT WITH SILVER!

SAN MARINO Piqued Jacks: Like An Animal

Cover your drinks, ladies, the boys are here to grease up the stage. 

TOMORROW! TWENTY-SIX ACTS! A LOT OF BONDAGE! EDGAR ALLEN POE! NIINKU CHA CHA CHA! WHATEVER THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH CROATIA! 

I'd like to see Czechia, Belgium, and Austria do well, BUT COME ON FINLAND!!!!!!