LAST YEAR! Kalush Orchestra won with Stefania! Except that there's a WAR in Ukraine, so they had to bow out of hosting. Luckily, somehow, the UK came second and agreed to host in Liverpool. Now, if this had been fair, we would have actually let Ukraine host, using our facilities, but being the UK, we elbowed them out as quickly as humanly possible. O well.
Nevertheless, Kalush Orchestra returned to play Stefania, filmed in the underground station they held the qualifiers for this year.
Nope, it's no good, I'm gone, weeping already. Sam Ryder takes precisely twenty seconds to elbow his way in, even Andrew Lloyd Webber appears, the smug cunt.
That's the last thing you see before he puts the blindfold on.. Joss Stone is RESURRECTED to sing along in English. LEARN SOME UKRANIAN WOMAN.
Anyway, they got the Princess of Wales to join in. Amazed they managed to keep Camilla out, crown atop her head, barnstorming her way around the stage. SHE'S THE FUCKING QUEEN NOW, SHE'LL DO AS SHE LIKES, THANK YOU CHARLES. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SHE'S THE QUEEN OF HEARTS! SHE IS! SHE IS?!
Kalush Orchestra appear in the arena to sing Stefania and their difficult second single. But then, THE FLAG PARADE!!!! Featuring..
GO_A
JAMALA
TINA KAROL
and VERKA! Do you reckon he gets his tights from Snag?
Our hosts, once more, are Alesha, Julia, Hannah CINCHED and for no good reason other than he probably threw all his toys out of the pram, Graham.
LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AUSTRIA. Points: 120 Position: 15th. Song: Who The Hell Is Edgar? by Teya and Salena
Background: Salena came seventh in The Voice Germany 2017.
I thought this was one of the greatest bangers Eurovision has ever seen. An ode to being possesed by the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe, that has inhabited my head since I first heard it. But Europe said NO, NO EDGAR ALLAN POE! NO GHOSTS! NOT THIS YEAR!
PORTUGAL. Points: 59 Position: 23rd. Song: Ai Coração by Mimicat
Background: A real estate agent
The last woman in Flares!
SWITZERLAND. Points: 92 Position: 20th. Song: Watergun by Remo Forrer
Background: Winner of The Voice of Switzerland 2020
The OPTICS of this act suggested Rachel Stevens in her LA Ex era, but nah. Yet another Swiss pretty boy singing about...conscription. KEEP IT LIGHT.
POLAND. Points: 93 Position: 19th. Song: Solo by Blanka
Background: Top Model 2021
Thankfully Blanka followed up, singing this Stars Are Blind-esque bit of nothing with some ladies in hot pants. I liked her dress though. I wonder if Beyoncé missed it.
SERBIA. Points: 30 Position: 24th. Song: Само ми се спава by Luke Black
Background: His surname comes from him mourning the Serbian music scene. Say no more.
I fucking love Luke Black. He fences! He no longer BELIEVES IN SERBIAN MUSIC! He has such PRETTY EYES! So overwrought! So Byroneseque! Such a VERY LARGE CLAM for him to lie in!
So many gimps! So like the Angst video!
HELLO?
FRANCE. Points: 104 Position: 16th. Song: Évidemment by La Zarra
Background: An actual singer? Is there some mistake?
Oops, no sorry, wrong giant lady.
NONE MORE FRENCH! I yearn for galettes.
CYPRUS. Points: 126 Position: 12th. Song: Break A Broken Heart by Andrew Lambrou
Background: X Factor Australia 2015
SUCH a lot of hooting like an owl, like Duo has come to remind you that you haven't practiced for months. This was a CLASSIC of Eurovision staging: first WATER, then FIRE. And this young man was terribly late for karate practice.
SPAIN. Points: 100 Position: 17th. Song: Eaea by Bianca Paloma
Background: No previous career to speak of
WORRA FUCKING DIN
WHY SO MENSTRUAL?
(Sorry Spain)
SWEDEN. Points: 583 Position: WINNER. Song: Tattoo by Loreen
Background: It's fucking LOREEN! EUPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIA!!!!
So. Loreen. She won in 2012, with Euphora, which is a Class A Banger. Sweden sent her again [to try and win for Abba's 50th anniversary last year] [/other conspiracy theories are available] because Loreen has to be deployed tactically. And Sweden KNOW how to win Eurovision: the staging was great, the blocking was great, the lighting was great. The song was alright, but Loreen BELTED IT OUT. So, the win is unsurprising.
Not sure about the Predator lewk tho...
ALBANIA. Points: 76 Position: 22nd. Song: Duje by Albina and Familja Kelmendi
Background: Runner Up The Voice Albania 2014
Poor memory-holed Albina and her entire family, including the happiest dad in the world and Jim Corr Kelmendi. Any song that sounds like they're summoning a demon is a winner in my book, and they had HANKIES.
ITALY. Points: 350 Position: 4th. Song: Due Vite by Marco Mengoni
Background: Winner X Factor Italy 2009. This is his second Eurovision (2013)
You know when you're going on a night out, just up the local club, nothing special? And your mate texts you and asks what you're wearing? And you say jeans and a nice top? It's this top, isn't it? This is the epitome of the nice-going-out top.
ESTONIA. Points: 168 Position: 8th. Song: Bridges by Alika
Background: Every Baltic singing competition you can imagine
A haunted piano! A very nice outfit! A climbing key change! A dramatic stop!
A generally vampiric look?
Loved it mates.
FINLAND. Points: 526 Position: (Robbed) Runner-Up. Song: Cha Cha Cha by Käärijä
Background: A Finnish rapper, and hero
ROBBED
ROBBED
ROBBED
RO-ROBBED ROBBED ROBBED
Still crying.
CZECHIA. Points: 129 Position: 10th. Song: My Sister's Crown by Vesna
Background: Patricie Fuxová and her Pink Ladies
Czechia's answer to the Pussy Cat Dolls, and they are CROSS. Hair semaphore! Rapping! Lots of standing in a line looking fearsome! I liked it, but I fear I was alone. Also, Fuxova is a great surname.
AUSTRALIA. Points: 151 Position: 9th. Song: Promise by Voyager
Background: A band from Australia who have been determined to get on Eurovision for the entire duration of Australia's participation. The singer is an immigration lawyer.
Allegedly, I was concieved in the back of a Ford Cortina. I imagine it went down a bit like this. With a keytar and everything. The living embodiment of Streets of Rage. Well done Australia, now GET OUT OF EUROVISION.
BELGIUM. Points: 182 Position: 7th. Song: Because of You by Gustaph
Background: A backing singer, but it's HIS TIME TO SHINE
BUOYANT GEORGE! This completely generic gaybar bop was carried entirely by happy Gustaph, and his vogueing dancer. He was wearing CHAPS over SHORTS. Bravo!
ARMENIA. Points: 122 Position: 14th. Song: Future Lover by Brunette
Background: A young SINGER
Who shredded her outfit? Was it Loreen? And why was she wearing wellies? Did she have a stable to muck out or something? So many questions, such a lot of bobbins, such nice lighting.
MOLDOVA. Points: 96 Position: 18th. Song: Soarele și Luna by Pasha Parfeni
Background: This is his SECOND Eurovision (2012)
In order to summon Pasha, you need two mad-haired women, a lot of ethnic instruments and we'll just gloss over the pipe-wielding demon. Pasha will then appear, dressed like he's running a cult recruitment drive at a small folk festival, and wave his cloak around at you. I SWEAR I have killed monsters with this playing in the background on the Witcher 3. It slapped.
UKRAINE. Points: 243 Position: 6th. Song: Heart of Steel by Tvorchi
Background: Ukrainian popstars
Nice video, shame about the song.
NORWAY. Points: 268 Position: 5th. Song: Queen of Kings by Alessandra
Background: The Voice Norges 2022
THE SONG? The theme tune from a pirate saga broadcast on BBC1 at teatime on a Sunday.
THE SINGER? Ready to fight Penny Mordaunt for control of the big swords.
GERMANY. Points: 18 Position: Last. Song: Blood & Glitter by Lord of the Lost
Background: An industrial metal band from Germany that isn't Rammstein
This is what happens when you order Rammstein off Wish. And he popped a bollock on stage. For shame.
LITHUANIA. Points: 127 Position: 11th. Song: Stay by Monika Linkytė
Background: This is her SECOND Eurovision too! (2015: the horrid snogging song)
Oh this was a waste of everyone's time. Sorry Monika, bring a banger next time.
ISRAEL. Points: 362 Position: 3rd. Song: Unicorn by Noa Kirel
Background: Israel's answer to Ariana Grande
NOW I DO LIKE NOA'S TROUSERS, but this did not deserve to come third. The final thirty seconds comprised Noa screaming "DO YOU WANNA SEE ME DANCE BWAAA HA HA HA HA?" before flailing around like a 9yo at a school disco. Fenimen fenimen fenimenal.
SLOVENIA. Points: 78 Position: 21st. Song: Carpe Diem by Joker Out
Background: An actual band *spits*
Well, this will be all over European radio all summer. Very 2003, very generic, very Inbetweeners-y.
CROATIA. Points: 123 Position: 13th. Song: Mama ŠČ! by Let 3
Background: Fuck knows. They've been knocking around since the early 80s.
Has a picture ever summed up Eurovision quite like this one? This song was about Lukashenko sending tractors to Putin, and was sung by a bunch of men in drag, with a missile-wielding villain. I approve.
UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 24 Position: 25th. Song: I Wrote A Song by Mae Muller
Background: She's the little girl from the Grace Kelly video. Do you feel old now? You should.
Come on lads, try harder. Send Morris Dancers! Have someone playing the LUTE in the background! Get Diana Vickers in full Elizabeth I regalia singing about being the queen of hearts! Mae needed to come out swinging and she did not. Oh well, next year.
And now, interval acts. I was hoping, after twenty-six years of failure, we might have developed something GOOD, but nah
Sam Ryder and Roger Taylor! When do you think they'll let Sam join Queen? Surely his audition has gone on long enough?
And then, a bunch of Liverpool favourites sung by Eurovision favourites. They couldn't afford the license of any Beatles songs though, although they did get Imagine sung by bloody Mahmood
SHUT UP, MAHMOOD. Also, Netta is no Pete Burns
Daði Freyr, the hero, singing Whole Again
Cornelia Jakobs singing I Turn To You (which I COULD NOT REMEMBER the name of) sopping wet in a bucket
And then they rolled Sonia out. THANK GOD SWEDEN IS HOSTING NEXT YEAR.
Gawd it's like being at Butlins. Sonia was my first ever crush. She looks like Bet Lynch now.
And finally, Duncan bloody Laurence making me weep by singing You'll Never Walk Alone in conjunction with Ruslana, Kyiv and half of Liverpool.
Anyway, enough war, BRING ON THE JURY VOTES!
WE'RE GOOD TO GO!
And first up?
BEAUTIFUL UKRAINIAN LADY
BLINGY ITALIAN LADY
Latvia showing you are what you eat
The fluffiest jumper anyone has ever worn on international TV
This Maltese security guy
A very worried Moldovan lady
SONIA'S NEMESIS
This bellowing English man representing San Marino. Have they finally run out of people to send?
A un-oily Azerbaijani
This guy in his ONE SHIRT (see: blogs passim)
Elle devient la tour Eiffel!
How many muppets had to die??
His hat is LOST, LOST TO THE GREEN SCREEN
Germany's answer to Jonathan Ross. WHERE'S BARBARA?
Is it cold in Portugal?
Croatia rocking the merry widow look
Oh heeeeyyy
This kid won Junior Eurovision in 2021 so she's bound to be along in a year or so.
Is she...is she going to a boxing match after this?
The vampires of Romania are getting better at their disguises
LET HATARI HAVE ANOTHER GO
Iceland send a robot; Serbia send a dominatrix.
SORRY? SORRY CYPRUS I CAN'T... I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SUIT?
You mean to tell me that one of Subwoolfer is ACTUALLY BEN FROM FUCKING A1? THAT WASN'T JUST A RUMOUR? WHAT TIMELINE IS THIS?
I mean, sorry Swiss lady, but I am REELING
MY EYES!!!!!
Seriously tho, BEN ADAMS? NOT EVEN THE NORWEGIAN ONE FROM A1? MAD, HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?
Ruth LORENZO! LIVE IN BENIDORM!
An Israeli GP's receptionist (actually Ilanit who won in 1973)
The senseless killing of muppets must end now.
Is no Nina Sublatti
Hot Czechs in your area
That's a BUSY jacket
FRESH FROM THE TAVERNA
Albanian secret service, they never let me down
Honest to God, I had that top in 2003. I got it from New Look.
And last, but certainly not least, CATHERINE TATE, PISSED AS A FART. What a PITY Nigella was in Australia.
At the end of the jury vote, Sweden were WELL ahead (as predicted)
And for one, brief, glorious moment, I thought my beloved Käärijä had a chance
But no, denied
What a sight! A deranged sixth form party broken up by the stern deputy head...
Well done Loreen
LET MEL GIEDROYC PRESENT NEXT YEAR!!!!
