Most people, despite what Scott Mills and Rylan kept saying during the week, come to Eurovision via the magical Saturday night extravaganza. But forty countries entered Eurovision this year, and to allow all of them a slot would be madness. Glorious, seven hour madness.
To whittle them down, two semi finals were held, and fifteen acts eliminated. Some rightly so, but some were robbed.
If you don't watch the semi-finals, you miss a miniature spectacle. A miniature spectacle hosted by RYLAN (and Scott Mills)
Tuesday night's spectacle was all about amazing trousers
And BENNY BENASSI, AS I LIVE AND BREATHE, HOVING OUT OF THE DARKNESS LIKE A GOBLIN!
Diodato also got to sing: he should have competed in 2020 but there was this whole pandemic and frankly, if he'd come back in 2021, we'd have no Måneskin and that wouldn't DO.
Anyway, here's what you could have won from round one:
ALBANIA Ronela Hajati: Sekret
This opened the first semi final, with a teeny tiny dancer. Ronela was dressed in a VERY ill-advised costume from Lovehoney. Halfway through, she killed the male dancers and then got it on with the other woman. At this point, it simply became softcore porn, and that's what I want from Eurovision. This particular screenshot is giving "someone's shit in the hot tub" vibes.
LATVIA Citi Zēni: Eat Your Salad
Take mace.
SLOVENIA LPS: Disko
Also doomed were these actual children, wearing more velvet than has been seen on a stage since 1976. PUT A DONK ON IT LADS, YOU'RE SIXTEEN!
BULGARIA Intelligent Music Project: Intention
This band have practice every single Sunday. This band have a lot of 'crazy' ex-wives. This band owe millions in child support. This band go white when a venue insists on being invoiced. This band pack all their equipment in the back of a Sprinter at the end of the night. The singer of this band thinks de-rig involves putting his SM-58 in its case. Dave Grohl takes personal umbrage at this band. This band don't know why their kids don't talk to them anymore, but they blame social media.
CROATIA Mia Dimšić: Guilty Pleasure
THIS WAS QUITE GOOD. Nevermind.
DENMARK Reddi: The Show
Ah, the Danish Donnas. This was NOT quite good. It's the last song of every single pop-punk DIY release c.2002. Slightly frightening, almost entirely carried by the drummer, and sung ENTIRELY through the nose. I'm not 100% sure the bassist was on the same...plane as the rest of us.
AUSTRIA LUM!X ft Pia Maria: Halo
AT LAST! Some DREADFUL eurotechno! Has anyone checked on Austria recently? They appear to still be in 1994 musically. These two were painfully young and dressed like edgy goths in Sims 3. I had chains on my jeans in 2003... when this girl WAS BORN. At least they were enthusiastic...
If Semi Final One was all about feelings, Semi Final Two was all about BANGERS. But not before the presenter that isn't Mika did a dance. Italy's answer to Dermot O'Leary, right here:
The interval act was Mika and Laura Pausini singing, and for the first time in my life, I longed for Benny Benassi
Put a fucking donk on it.
Anyway, the robberies came thick and fast on Thursday, starting with...
ISRAEL Michael Ben David: I.M
I thought Frankie Grande would be on his honeymoon... This was VERY Drag Race. I fully expected Todrick Hall to come voguing through the back.
GEORGIA Circus Mircus: Lock Me In
There was a LOT going on here, and absolutely nothing musically. This was like when you go in the wrong tent at a festival in 2006, and find a sea of people on shrooms having a wonderful time. It makes slightly more sense when you realise they met in circus school. God, I miss Nina Sublatti.
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