Soph's TV Snark: May 2022

This year, I was OUT FOR EUROVISION. I RUSHED back, arriving in time for the interval acts and the EXTRAORDINARY VOTING. OH! WHAT A NIGHT!

LAST YEAR, Måneskin won by simply being VERY LOUD and ITALIAN and SEXY, so this year's contest is in TORINO.

The show opened with a big 'ol RAVE in the middle of Turin

To be followed by Laura Pausini SINGING HER VERY HEART OUT in a selection of flasher macs. She goes to the same tailor as Lauri Ylönen.

Then all the acts came out, with varying sizes of flag

Our hosts were Alessandro Cattelan, a kind of Italian Dermot O'Leary; Laura Pausini, and Mika. Yes, actual Mika, ageing like milk and looking a bit gristly.

He's turning into Ben Stiller.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

CZECH REPUBLIC. Points: 38 Position: 22nd. Song: Lights Off by We Are Domi

Background: A bunch of former Leeds College of Music students

A SOLID banger to open with, all about changing BED COVERS and FURNITURE to forget a man. That's gonna get expensive. Dunno why she didn't wash her hair. In my day, if you were going on Eurovision, you'd get your hair done first.

ROMANIA. Points: 65 Position: 18th. Song: Llámame by WRS

Background: Former dancer and member of Shot.

IF ORLANDO BLOOM WAS A VAMPIRE! They're all very sexy, but they must be fucking ROASTING in those velvet jumpsuits and spray on trousers.

PORTUGAL. Points: 207 Position: 9th. Song: Saudade, Saudade by Maro

Background: A Youtuber

Who HURT Maro? This weird fucking prayer circle of misery, dressed like Star Wars minor characters, lightly clapping, looking like they were there under duress. WEIRD.

FINLAND. Points: 38 Position: 21st. Song: Jezebel by The Rasmus

Background: It's THE fucking RASMUS

Yes, it's the ACTUAL RASMUS, still be-feathered, but now in flasher-macs looking like your PERVIEST UNCLE. The balloon at the start gave off rather It vibes, and the song itself would have been a hit...in 2002. This was no In The Shadows, and it bombed.

SWITZERLAND. Points: 78 Position: 17th. Song: Boys Do Cry by Marius Bear

Background: The Swiss Ed Sheeran

A strange man in a strange coat and strange shoes, arms akimbo, singing a song which was much better if you shut your eyes. Not a single viewer vote. Not even one. Poor Creepy Marius.

FRANCE. Points: 17 Position: 24th. Song: Fulenn by Alvan and Ahez

Background: Actual musicians, a rarity

CELTIC GUYLINER FOLK SINGERS, SINGING IN BREZHONEG! I LOVE IT! Pisses all over Moldova, they were absolutely robbed and I AM LIVID.

NORWAY. Points: 182 Position: 10th. Song: Give That Wolf A Banana by Subwoolfer

Background: Rumours of their real identity are rife, but if they're not at least ONE of Ylvis, I will swallow my hat.

Two men, both alike in dignity, in fair Oslo where we lay our scene, dressed as wolves, sang about bananas and did a funky little dance. AND READER, I LOVED IT. I even loved the weird WordArt captions sailing across the screen every few minutes. ALSO, WEIRDLY FIT. This is going to be the BIGGEST hit on Just Dance 2022.

ARMENIA. Points: 61 Position: 20th. Song: Snap by Rosa Linn

Background: Former Junior Eurovision contestant (2013)

A couple of years ago, there was no toilet roll to be had throughout the land. And now we know why. Rosa, in her bog roll room, wrenched paper off the set every now and then to reveal SNAP and OTHER WORDS. ALL HAIL THE BOG ROLL QUEEN!

ITALY. Points: 268 Position: 6th. Song: Brividi by Mahmood and Blanco

Background: Mahmood's getting another go and Blanco is a rapper.

WHATEVER HAS HE COME AS? A CHANDELIER? What a horrible din.

SPAIN. Points: 459 Position: Third. Song: SloMo by Chanel

Background: Musical theatre performer

WHAT'S BETTER THAN A LOT OF TITS AND ARSE? TITS AND ARSE WITH STROBE LIGHTING! AND A DANCE BREAK! BANGER!

THE NETHERLANDS. Points: 171 Position: 11th. Song: De Diepte by S10

Background: A lot of madness and sadness and singing

S10 had to follow that, hooting away like a fucking owl.

UKRAINE. Points: 631 Position: WINNER!! Song: Стефанія by Kalush Orchestra

Background: Have you seen the news? Yeah, that.

Ukraine always bring the bangers. JUSTICE FOR GO_A! From the moment the Jay-Kay-behatted fellow leapt forth and began rapping, I was sold. Nobody has ever played a telenka with quite as much SWAG.

GERMANY. Points: 6 Position: LAST. Song: Rockstars by Malik Harris

Background: Nothing of interest. Sorry Malik.

MY FEEEEEEELIIIINGGGGGGS. A poor man's Eminem, but somehow infinitely better than last year's absolute bellend.

LITHUANIA. Points: 128 Position: 14th. Song: Sentimental by Monika Liu

Background: Singer and contestant on Auksinis Balsas

Iconic. There's a little bit of Lithuania that is perpetually in 1974. Although, to be fair to Monika, I had a very similar top from New Look c.2002. She made some FACES, didn't she?

AZERBAIJAN. Points: 106 Position: 16th. Song: Fade to Black by Nadir Rustamli

Background: Winner of The Voice Azerbaijan (2021)

What a LOVELY LOVELY VOICE. Weird staging though, very High School Musical. I expected a whole basketball team to erupt at the end.

BELGIUM. Points: 64 Position: 19th. Song: Miss You by Jérémie Makiese

Background: Winner of The Voice Belgique (2021)

This was all a bit 90s USHER, with SISQO hair. Unmemorable.

GREECE. Points: 215 Position: 8th. Song: Die Together by Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord

Background: Contestant on The Stream (2016)

Now, this was quite a nice little song about murder-suicide, with EXTREMELY CURSED STAGING. Honest to God, Geralt would need his silver sword to take this one out.

ICELAND. Points: 20 Position: 23rd. Song: Með hækkandi sól by Systur

Background: Musical sisters!

TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS

Icelandice music comes in three flavours: angry sex people, jumper-rock and this, TROLL-FOLK. Nothing happened here except one of the sisters looking like she's killed a man.

MOLDOVA. Points: 253 Position: 7th. Song: Trenulețul by Zdob și Zdub and Advahov Brothers

Background: Folk punk and an orchestral duo. Obvs. This is not Zdob și Zdub's first time.

Who knew Dexter Holland had relocated to Moldova? This was exactly like a joke track in the middle of a 90s Offspring album, and therefore, amazing. AND IT'S ABOUT GETTING THE TRAIN TO BUCHAREST! They came second in the viewer vote, and should probably tour UK student unions at some point.

SWEDEN. Points: 438 Position: 4th. Song: Hold Me Closer by Kornelia Jakobs

Background: Former member of Love Generation

Sweden: the Eurovision sniper. Kornelia was a bit like Robyn, singing emotionally, stamping around in her bare feet, all spangly. In another year, she may have won. One day, I'll get my Petra and Måns back.

AUSTRALIA. Points: 125 Position: 15th. Song: Not The Same by Sheldon Riley

Background:X Factor Australia (2016), The Voice Australia (2018 and 2019) and America's Got Talent (2020). Greedy, frankly.

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 466 Position: SECOND PLACE! SECOND?!. Song: Space Man by Sam Ryder

Background: TikTok-er

Fucking hell, lad, well done. Sam had the purest energy, a man never less than amiable, a man who would totally help you carry your shopping, a man who always talks to chuggers, a man who has never closed the door in a missionary's face. A good man. Singing a rip off of Rocket Man.

POLAND. Points: 151 Position: 12th. Song: River by Ochman

Background: Winner of The Voice of Poland (2020)

Polish John Whaite and his drowned ghouls

SERBIA. Points: 312 Position: 5th. Song: In Corpore Sano by Konstrakta

Background: Former member of Zemlja Gruva!

One's skin and hair reveal everything clearly

For example: dark circles around eyes

Point out to livеr issues

Dark spots around lips might mean you have an еnlarged spleen

An enlarged spleen is not good, not pretty

A downbeat banger about the Serbian healthcare systerm, delivered with a touch of the Lady Macbeths, INTENSE AS FUCK. Amazed this didn't do better.

ESTONIA. Points: 141 Position: 13th. Song: Hope by Stefan

Background: The hottest man in Estonia and recent winner of Maskis Laulja: yes they have the Masked Singer in Estonia, who knew?

This was VERY Red Dead Redemption: it made me want to go and shoot up a town.

AND THAT WAS THAT. The interval acts were

Måneskin, with a LIMP

Gigliola Cinquetti

AND MIKA! Sadly, Will Ferrell doesn't join in Grace Kelly.

There was DRAMA with the jury votes, although this was not announced in the live show: Azerbaijan, Georgia, Montenegro, Poland, Romania and San Marino were accused of being DODGY, and had their scores changed. Don't ask me why, it'll take a few days for the full story to emerge and time's-a-wastin. However, for REASONS, Azerbaijan, Romania and Georgia were unable to announce their results in person.