LOUD AND ENDURING SCREAMING JOY, IT'S BACK!
The loss of Eurovision last year hit me right in the early-lockdown-guts. And this year's show may be a little different, a little less crowded, with FRACTIONALLY stranger postcards introducing each act, but it's HERE. IT'S HERE.
But before we move on to tonight's main event, let us have a moment of silence for those who fell behind...
SLOVENIA: Ana Soklič, Amen
Ana smokes cigars to keep her voice so husky, but nobody cared. Nobody cared about her cape. Nobody cared about someone wearing that much velour in this day and age. Nobody cared about her monstrous key change. Nobody cared that she was last's years Slovenian entry (with a better song). Nobody cared at all.
AUSTRALIA: Montaigne, Technicolour
Is it complete bullshit that Australia is in Eurovision at all? Yes. Is it more bullshit that they could only appear by videolink because Australia's borders are closed? Well, no, that seems eminently sensible. But, is this SONG bullshit? YES. I have not heard such vicious keyboard stabs since 1991, I half-expected Paul Leyshon to appear in a shellsuit. Montaigne danced like my dad after half a bottle of tequila. It gave me a headache. Last year's song was much better.
NORTH MACEDONIA: Vasil, Here I Stand
Absolutely robbery. He had a GOLDEN HEART. He SHED SPARKS FROM IT. He sang in a HEARTFELT MANNER like he was in LES MIS. And then, AND THEN, he ripped off his jacket and revealed a mithril waistcoat. That's worth more than the whole shire. What's not to like?
IRELAND: Lesley Roy, Maps
Ah Lesley, a fine candidate for R/13or30, and another act from last year. A horrid, Coldplay-ish song, horrid, paper-cut-out, too busy staging. Poor Lesley. Poor Ireland. BRING BACK BOIL-WASHED JOHNNY LOGAN.
CROATIA: Albina, Tick Tock
TICK TOCK ON THE CLOCK, BUT THE PARTY DON'T STOP! Alas, no. Albina brought TWO KILOGRAMS OF HAIR EXTENSIONS to Eurovision, and now has to take them home. Let's hope she's not flying RyanAir.
ROMANIA: Roxen, Amnesia
Last year, Roxen turned up looking like Poundland Billie Eilish to sing about alcohol. This year, she came as a vampire. Insert your own Transylvania jokes. They did a WHOLE stage show, it was GREAT.
ESTONIA: Uku Suviste, The Lucky One
One man and his moon, came to Eurovision, one man and his moon, came to Eurovision. But then the jump-cuts started and I thought I was going to throw up.
CZECH REPUBLIC: Benny Christo, Omaga
Benny was like a young Sisqo, all glittering jacket and bleach blonde hair, and nobody cared. I blame the styling: nobody's thought about Sisqo for roughly twenty years and now here he is, conjuring up memories from the deep. Poor Benny.
AUSTRIA: Vincent Bueno, Amen
Last year, Vincent Bueno entered a perfectly adequate, upbeat song and looked very pretty while he sang it. This year, A FUCKING DIRGE. Vincent, we've all been stuck in the house for fifteen months, we're here for bangers, bangers, wall-to-wall bangers.
POLAND: Rafał, The Ride
This song was perfectly good Euro-fodder (albeit, not the Polish milkmaids). Unfortunately, it was sung by a man who resembled a magician on the holiday club circuit. Presto!
GEORGIA: Tornike Kipiani, You
A crushing disappointment from Georgia this year. Like Ben Kingsley in a piss.! Terrible lack of tune, terrible shouting, terrible. Nina Sublatti, we miss you.
LATVIA: Samanta Tina, The Moon Is Rising
Latvia can usually be relied to bring the bangers, but this was another disappointing turn from last year's act. The masked backing dancers were back, the outfits were fine, but Samanta only had a very passing relationship with the tune. A shame.
And our last failure, DENMARK: Fyr & Flamme, Øve Os På Hinanden
God only knows what was supposed to be going on here. From the 1987 Top of the Pops staging, to the Freddy Mercury-esque running amok, to the Dead or Alive beat, it was a PAEAN to the 80s and I hated it.
***
So, tonight. If Iceland don't win, I'm gonna throw some chairs. High scores for Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine, Switzerland and Finland, plz.
NUL POINTS POUR HOOVERPHONIC, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
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