O EUROVISION! MY EUROVISION! LONG HAVE I WAITED FOR YOU TO RETURN!
Tonight, Eurovision comes to us from Rotterdam because in the land before covid, Duncan Laurence won the competition with Arcade. Honestly, it could have been a thousand years ago. Every contestant appears as their country is bellowed, accompanied by a soundtrack of a CHILD DJ CALLED PIETER GABRIEL, AND A REMIX OF VENUS.
Not for the first time tonight, I wonder WHITHER VENGABOYS?
The hosts tonight are these four:
Former contestant Edsilia Rombley, Chantal Janzen, Holland's answer to Ryan Seacrest and Nikkie Tutorials who is a *sniff* YouTuber.
So, let's go! This year's postcards couldn't be filmed in person due to the er...deadly virus...so instead they've filmed horrid little houses with video footage superimposed on the top, like the contestants are Jedi ghosts. It's one way around it...
CYPRUS. Points: 94 Position: 16th. Song: El Diablo by Elena Tsagrinou
Background: Former member of OtherView. Presenter on The Voice Greece.
I never listen to the songs before the semi-finals, because I am a PURIST, so the BANGERNESS of this song escaped me to begin with. And it IS a banger, but it's a banger sung by a tribute to 2013 Miley Cyrus, and so HORNY ON MAIN that it's almost alarming. Everything was on fire by the end, so a solid start.
ALBANIA. Points: 57 Position: 21st. Song: Karma by Anxhela Peristeri
Background: Winner/Runner-up of Kënga Magjike
A load of forgettable old bobbins, but that silver dress and red background got its second airing.
ISRAEL. Points: 93 Position: 17th. Song: Set Me Free by Eden Alene
Background: Winner of X Factor Israel 2018
Whistle notes do not apparently endear anyone to the voting public: B6 is A VITAMIN, NOT A NOTE. I did enjoy the football team dance squad.
BELGIUM. Points: 74 Position: 19th. Song: The Wrong Place by Hooverphonic
Background: Est.1995
Now, I took against Hooverphonic last year because they gave me such STRONG wrong-un vibes, and then refused to join in singing Love Shine A Light. How can anyone refuse to sing KATRINA AND THE WAVES? This year's song was almost identical to last year's song, only they'd replaced the wan child singer with IMITATION LULU. And, to be fair, the song has grown on me, except for the chorus which is mostly focused on the theft of a Johnny Cash t-shirt. You know when you go out for a drink and there's a band playing, and you wish they'd shut up so you can talk to your mates? Yeah. The 90s were great, and Hooverphonic should stay there.
RUSSIA. Points: 204 Position: 9th. Song: Russian Women by Manizha
Background: Child-star singer
TOP CLASS BANGER from Russia this year. I was genuinely disappointed that Little Big weren't re-entering this year, because UNO was a tune. However, Manizha was an excellent replacement. From her ludicrously huge Russian dress, to her Lady Sovereign impression, to her MESSAGE, I loved it. I shall listen to it for the rest of the year.
MALTA. Points: 255 Position: 7th. Song: Je Me Casse by Destiny
Background: Winner Junior Eurovision 2015. Semi-finalist on Britain's Got Talent 2017
Silver dress? Check. Red background? Check. Banger? Check. My only complaint was that the whole thing was not in French. COMMIT, YOU COWARDS.
PORTUGAL. Points: 153 Position: 12th. Song: Love Is On My Side by The Black Mamba
Background: Est.2010.
What the fuck has he come as? Lou Bega? The villain from Kung Fu Hustle? YOU'LL NEVER BE SALVADOR SOBRAL!
SERBIA. Points: 102 Position: 15th. Song: Loco Loco by Hurricane
Background: Est.2018.
The THREATENING ENERGY of these three ladies was QUITE SOMETHING. So MANY sequins, so MANY hair extensions. They'll take your eye out. Terrifying.
UNITED KINGDOM. Points: NUL Position: LAST. Song: Embers by James Newman
Background: John Newman's brother, song-writer.
You know, I could say we were last because of the song, or because everybody hates the British, or because of Brexit, but we all know the truth. You cannot vote for that jacket. Those chains are from fucking Elizabeth Duke. He looks like Henry VIII on a night out in 2001. Someone have a word.
GREECE. Points: 170 Position: 10th. Song: Last Dance by Stefania
Background: Junior Eurovision 2016 (8th place)
TURNING LEWKS on a green screen. VERY POPULAR GIRL.
SWITZERLAND. Points: 432 Position: 3rd. Song: Tout l'Univers by Gjon's Tears
Background: Winner of Albania's Got Talent 2011. Semi-finalist The Voice France 2019
I unashamedly LOVED this song. Like a young Robin Cousins having a Kate Bush moment while drunk in a car park. But what a LOVELY, LOVELY voice.
ICELAND. Points: 378 Position: 4th. Song: 10 Years by Daði og Gagnamagnið
Background: Est.2017
ABSOLUTELY ROBBED.
SPAIN. Points: 6 Position: 24th. Song: Voy A Quedarme by Blas Cantó
Background: Child-singer, former member of Auryn
Oho, so Estonia thought THEY'D bought a moon in the semi-finals? Spain has brought a PROPER MOON. Spain has never knowingly been undersold in moons. It's all a bit Enrique Iglesias, and then he cries. Bless.
MOLDOVA. Points: 115 Position: 13th. Song: Sugar by Natalia Gordienko
Background: 20th Place at Eurovision 2006
This song is a GROWER, but if you can tell the difference between Moldova and Cyprus, you're a better woman than I. Another silver dress, but this time, a chair made of men. What a delight.
GERMANY. Points: 3 Position: 25th. Song: I Don't Feel Hate by Jendrik
Background: Nothing of note
SWEET UNHOLY GOD, MAKE IT FUCKING STOP. If Taskmaster asked their contestants to make a Eurovision song, this is what they'd come up with. A crime. Why is she dressed as a hand? Why is she so sad? Why is he being all "LOL I'M ANNOYING". My 10yo loved this, so I've sadly had to have him adopted.
FINLAND. Points: 301 Position:6th. Song: Dark Side by Blind Channel
Background: Est.2014
Well, HELLO LINKIN PARK TWENTY YEARS TOO LATE. Finland is the country that gave us Children of Bodom, and yet this lot feel the need to bring back...nu-metal?! It's a choice. I enjoyed their SMOCKS, and also that they all looked like disgraced British comedians.
BULGARIA. Points: 170 Position:11th. Song: Growing Up is Getting Old by Victoria
Background: Sixth place on X Factor Bulgaria 2015
Chairman Mao called. He wants his pajamas back.
LITHUANIA. Points: 220 Position: 8th. Song: Discoteque by The Roop
Background: Est.2014.
True story: I had my second covid jab on Saturday morning and the fever hit around this point in the evening. Delirium only adds to the weirdness of The Roop. Everyone loves Baltic Hot Chip!
UKRAINE. Points: 364 Position: 5th. Song: Шум by Go_A
Background: Est.2012.
WHAT. A. TUNE. I am always here for open-throat singing, and I am PARTICULARLY here for dance tracks that just keep getting randomly faster, includes a guy with a recorder, and end with a HONK.
FRANCE. Points: 499 Position: 2nd. Song: Voilà by Barbara Pravi
Background: Est.2012.
Has there ever been anything quite as French as Barbara, in her underwear, glitching her way through Voilà, getting faster and more deranged in every bar? It made Poupee de Cire Poupee de Son look positively PEDESTRIAN. Amazing work.
AZERBAIJAN. Points: 65 Position: 20th. Song: Mata Hari by Efendi
Background: Third place on The Voice Azerbaijan 2015. Third place on Silk Way Star 2017.
Last year, we were sadly robbed of Efendi's mum-ra bass drop. This year, she did us all a favour by bringing essentially the same song. As usual, it dripped in gold and oil. One day, Azerbaijan are gonna jump the shark and come as a heap of Sevruga, but not this year.
NORWAY. Points: 75 Position: 18th. Song: Fallen Angel by Tix
Background: Est.2016.
Tix is named Tix because he has Tourettes and tics a lot. With that out of the way, there was no reason to dress like John Lennon and East 17's baby. Tix is AN ANGEL, chained to some DEVILS, because why not?
THE NETHERLANDS. Points: 11 Position: 23rd. Song: Birth of an Angel by Jeangu Macrooy
Background: Est.2013.
As usual, the host country's song was a bit of a "Please God, don't make us do this again" entry. Jeangu sang about Suriname's enslavement by the Netherlands. POLITICS ASIDE, it was very bland.
ITALY. Points: 524 Position: WINNER. Song: Zitti E Buoni by Måneskin
Background: Second place on The Voice Italy 2017
"Lynn, these are sex people."
SWEDEN. Points:109 Position: 14th. Song: Voices by Tusse
Background: Winner of Swedish Idol 2019
Oh, like an X Factor ballad cover of Get Lucky, sung by a guy from Tekken. And so we were denied another year of Måns and Petra hosting...
SAN MARINO. Points: 50 Position: 22nd. Song: Adrenlina by Senhit ft. Flo Rida
Background: Semi-Finalist Eurovision 2011. ALSO: FLO RIDA. THE FLO RIDA.
Flo Rida insisted they close the show. That's my rumour and I'm SPREADING it. The song is called Adrenalina. It sounds JUST LIKE Gasolina. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT DADDY YANKEE WAS TOO BUSY?
***
The interval acts were RATHER INTERMINABLE. First of all, there was no Vengaboys. Why? Who wants AFROJACK when the VENGABOYS are RIGHT THERE? What about Tiësto? WHAT ABOUT MARTIN GARRIX?
NikkieTutorials gave us a backstage tour of how one puts on Eurovision in lockdown (The Netherlands are still quite locked down) and the answer is SWABS, SO MANY DEEP THROATED SWABS, SO DEEPLY INTO THE NASAL CAVITY. Italy loved it.
Then Edsilia took some former Eurovisioners for a drive around Rotterdam in her car. It was nice to see Ruslana, the QUEEN OF UKRAINE. Then Måns sang Heroes on a roof. Obligatory Måns photo:
Last year, a housing estate in Surrey, this year a roof in Rotterdam. Next year, who knows? The edge of Vesuvius?
The dancers do BECOME NUMBERS to close the phone lines, which is clever of them...
Jon Ola Sand has SADLY left Eurovision, to be replaced by Martin Österdahl, who opens the jury vote by saying "You're good to go". Such a dad.
***
My favourite part of Eurovision is the jury vote, video-linked in by a succession of local TV personalities. WE LOVE A TV PERSONALITY! SOME HIGHLIGHTS
What in the EBAY DISCOUNT FASHION WORLD is she wearing? Is she a FURRY?
San Marino's lady had parents' evening after this.
ALBANIAN SECRET SERVICE GUY!
CATEGORY IS: HERALDRY
This guy is from North Macedonia, but I've definitely seen him hanging round pub toilets trying to flog his nefarious wares.
When you have Eurovision at 7, and prom at 8...
It's been a FRIGGIN TOUGH YEAR according to this guy. Tell me about it.
LET'S NOT GIVE AMANDA HOLDEN ANY ATTENTION. COULDN'T THEY HAVE FOUND A SINGLE PERSON AT THE BBC WHO CAN SPEAK DUTCH?
Are big belts back in? I'm not sure big belts need to be back in.
An actual Greek child who did a better job than Amanda Holden.
Is she going on the Krypton Factor?
Ryan O'Shaugnessy there in his grandad cardigan. Did nobody tell him he was going on international TV? He's changed a bit since 2018...
Barbara started her bit by shouting that she's REALLY OPENED UP TONIGHT. Lucky Mr Barbara.
"This is Finland calling, so greetings from the dark side" she says, live from Mordor.
So drunk...
This is the man from the Eurovision film. It takes about four years to get through his skit.
A FLYING LEGO MAN
HIS HAIR IS A BRUTALIST SCULPTURE
Live from Blackpool!
Carola, from Sweden, wearing a stripper mac, with a man pawing her, tells us her WHOLE LIFE STORY. A beautiful moment.
Mel B remains a STYLE ICON in Switzerland
***
The Jury Vote leaderboard looked like this:
And we got our viewer vote score first. NOBODY CAN SCORE ZERO WITH THE NEW VOTING SYSTEM, they said, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!
Er. This is awkward.
James takes it like a Yorkshire man, and jumps around, lobbing his beer everywhere.
It all comes down to a battle betwixt good and evil, light and dark, innocence and debauchery, sex people and ice skaters, rock and...whatever the hell Switzerland did:
BUT ULTIMATELY, ROCK PREVAILS! STRAVANGTE! CONGRATULAZIONI!
Their drummer has just SEEN GOD...
And I'll say this for Måneskin.
They're a fucking mood.
Thanks for reading, what a LOVELY EVENING, I had a lovely time, didn't you?
