Eurovision 2019: Falling at the Final Hurdle

It's been a while. I was gonna blog Dancing on Ice, and I tried, believe me I tried, but my god, it was EXECRABLE.

So, for the seventh year running on this 'ere blog, EUROVISION. This year there is no Ukraine (coz Russia) and Bulgaria (coz money). As has become tradition, ahead of the Grand Event tomorrow, here's a brief tribute to those semi final acts who just didn't hit the right note with the voting audience:

And the first of those semi final acts is a FAT BALLERINA WHO CAN SING, AS INSPIRED BY DANA INTERNATIONAL Woo, welcome to Tel Aviv. Yes, it's Netta (as portrayed by a small child actor), last year's winner, who then opens the semi finals by singing LOOK AT ME until we look at her, then sings a remix of Toy dressed like something out of Tron. Well, it's better than the seven thousand power ballads coming.

First to trip and fall was D mol from Montenegro. Six, white-shirted, clean-cut WHOLESOME types, doing the whole S Club 7 thing twenty years too late.

Those flocked-wallpaper suits are, frankly, enough to get them shot into space from a cannon (although I liked the coat). It reminded me of Hear'Say singing Bridge Over Troubled Water over and over and over again, with their terrible key change and nasal elements. Like a newly born pop band being paraded in front of a bunch of unenthusiastic year 8s, this was...this was bad.

Darude, yes THE Darude, represented Finland, with his mate Sebastian.

But because Sebastian, a budget Wolverine, was not singing "Sandstorm! WOO! SANDSTORM! SANDY! YEAAAH", nobody liked it. Poor Darude.

Poland came next. And as is customary, the question was simple. MILKMAIDS?

NO.
This was Tulia, a Depeche Mode tribute act, doing their best Republica impression dressed as a Nina West runway. I thought, maybe it means something deeply profound in Polish? But...nope.

Hungary's Joci Pápai has done this before.

He sang about his dad, and while doing so, his dad loomed onto the video wall, looking like an extra from a Rick Stein documentary. This made it seem a bit like Joci's dad might have sadly died, but nope, he just loves his dad. Sweet.

One again, Belgium sent an actual child to sing in a tearful voice while men DRUMMED

Look at him! He was JUST BORN. Anyway, his name was Eliot, and we won't be seeing him again.

This young rogue is Oto Nemsadze from Georgia:

He requires a fighter, mage and cleric for he must go adventuring in the Caucasus Mountains, and his skill lies in the stealthy arts. There were also a load of gruff men, who could not compete with Norway's gruff man (for which, see the main show), and fireworks. I love Georgia. Any country whose national dish is basically a massive cheese puff is close to my heart. Maybe next year, they'll let Nina Sublatti come back.

The last failure of semi final one was Portugal, who won only two years ago. But they were never gonna win with this slice of absolute lunacy.

It took me a good TWO MINUTES to work out what was going on, and I'm still not absolutely sure. The guy in the chin strap delights in the name CONAN OSIRIS (not his real name) and he has a FRIEND who is in a skirt, but also in trainers, and spent far too long EN POINTE in his trainers and why? Just why?

For the second semi, there was far less fanfare to open it up, but frankly, I can do without Netta clucking around like a demented broody hen. Rylan invoked the spirit of Tesco Mary which is why I love Rylan and will brook no argument.

Armenia opened the show, not that it did them any good.

This was Srbruk, in her big 'ol boots with her ratty dreads, looking like Tulisa after Glastonbury. She seemed furious, and I quite liked it, but alas.

Sarah McTernan from Ireland was mentored by Rachel Stevens in The Voice. Rachel Stevens, the personality void. Much is explained.

I've seen porn like this. Anyway, it sounded really bad which wasn't Sarah's fault, and it was a painful, visual mess.

Moldova came next and went out next, with a SAND ARTIST

The sand artist, Ksenyia, is Ukranian. She helped out with Ukraine's entry in 2011, so she has no NATIONAL PRIDE. The sand was much prettier than the boring, Disney-villain ballad Anna Odobescu was singing in her wedding dress.

Latvia used to send banger after banger after banger. This?

LATVIA DEL RAY! I didn't hate it, but I was plagued by trying to work out who Carousel's singer looks like. It's going to haunt my fucking sleep. Some corpse from a murder TV show I'll wager.

Romania were absolutely FUCKING ROBBED.

ROBBED!!!!!!

ROBBBBEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!
I am in love with Ester Peony. Look at her! Vampires, and pyrotechnics, and bondage and LOOK AT HER. Robbed. I shall never forgive myself for not getting Alex asleep in time to vote!

Yikes

And so to Austria

Her name was PÆNDA AKA Gabriella Horn. Any relation? Only dogs could hear the chorus, and her outfit choice was POOR. She looked liked her legs and tits had been eaten by grue.

Croatia sent the absolute SMUGGEST CUNT, and he had a BACKSTORY.

Roko started off in HELL, with HELLFIRE and VOLCANIC IMAGERY, until he got some wings banged on half-heartedly by some twinks. But he didn't even FLY. Can you imagine going to all that trouble to get angels and not bother with a HARNESS? When Australia's there banging around on a pole like something gone wrong? Try harder next time.

Last to fail was wholesome Lithuania.

And is it any wonder? A young Leo DiCaprio (real name Jurij Veklenko) looking soulful had no chance against this lot of posers.

The hot favourites to win this year are Sweden and I APPROVE THIS MOTION solely because it means Petra Mede will host. Also in the running are The Netherlands and Australia. Australia...are awful, but that's never stopped anyone winning before. Keep an eye out for the angry men of Iceland.