Eurovision 2019

We are in ISRAEL, which is quite controversial, for EUROVISION 2019!

Here's Dana International, looking unchanged since 1998. She's FIFTY now.

She kicked off the opening ceremony, all flag waving and fairly-well-placing Israeli entries of years past.

This year's hosts are FOURFOLD:  Erez Tal (Israel's answer to Stephan Mulhern), Assi Azar (the Hot Guy), Lucy Ayoub (the dark-haired lady) and Bar Refaeli (tall, blonde, used to go out with Leo DiCaprio). Lucy and Assi did the green room while Erez and Bar tried very hard to host.

To the Contestants!

MALTA. Points: 95 Position:16th. Song: Chameleon by Michela

Reality TV Background: The Voice Malta: Winner 2019

Looks Like: A poorly dressed instagrammer

Goodness, she got a BIG FACE, with her condom jacket. This performance was all about the interesting video effects, while trying to channel Karma Chameleon. It didn't do very well, but frankly, it's the only one of two songs still in my head four days after the event, so whos' the REAL WINNER, EH DUNCAN?

ALBANIA. Points: 90 Position:18th. Song: Ktheju Tokës by Jonida Maliqi

Reality TV Background: Albania's answer to Rylan Clark

Looks Like: Kirstie Allsop and Nigella had a FLAMENCO BABY

Jonida is Albania's answer to Rylan Clark-Neal, but far more...Kirstie Allsopish. In fact, she looks like Kirstie Allsop doing an Anton-led paso on Strictly. This was the sort of music they'll be using to soundtrack the Witcher TV show, complete with yodelling AND a wind machine.

CZECH REPUBLIC. Points: 157 Position: 11th. Song: Friend of a Friend by Lake Malawi

Reality TV Background: None! I am shook!

Looks Like: A cleaner-cut Busted, fronted by Joey Essex

I honestly thought this was going to come far higher than it did. It's the sort of thing you can imagine The Vamps releasing. Even with the Phil Daniels' mockney asides. On and on it went and I couldn't tell whether he was bragging about shagging his adolescent neighbour, or denying he was shagging his adolescent neighbour, or what. Parklife!

GERMANY. Points: 32 Position: 24th. Song: Sister by S!sters

Reality TV Background: None, but they're not real sisters either.

Looks Like: Tamsin Outhwaite and Demi Lovato

"I tried to hold you under but you kept on breathing". Jesus, this was dark, a dark ode to sisterhood. They were trying to channel Shakespeare's sister, but failed on account of being NOT EVIL ENOUGH. It felt very pointless, and sure enough, nobody voted for them.

RUSSIA. Points: 369 Position: 3rd. Song: Scream by Sergey Lazarev

Reality TV Background: Dancing on Ice Russia: 2006, second place. Russia's 2016 Eurovision entry.

Looks Like: Budget Jeremy Renner trapped in the shower

During the semi-final, the host introduced this by saying "Prepare to scream! It's Russia!" and I get that it's the song...but a bit on the nose. Anyway, it was this nob again, all style and no substance AGAIN, yet still very popular. 

JEAN PAUL GAULTIER!

DENMARK. Points: 120 Position: 12th. Song:Love is Forever by Leonora

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: Cbeebies on acid

Now, this was a perfectly sweet little multi-lingual ditty about love, marred by the fact every single person on that chair was high as a fucking kite. I thought the ginger girl was actually going to fall off. If they were going for eerie, spot on, because I couldn't tell if their singer had lazy eye or an amphetamine addiction or both.

SAN MARINO. Points: 81 Position: 20th. Song:Say Na Na Na by Serhat

Reality TV Background: None, he's San Marino's Alex Trebek

Looks Like: Andre Agassi with more swag

This guy is an actual dentist, as WELL as hosting San Marino's version of Jeopardy. What a guy! Imagine your dentist, purring "don't forget my number, call me anytime" into your ear as he starts drilling your molar. The song was alright, a bit Right Said Fred, a bit Simply Red, but that's not really the point. This wasn't his first Eurovision, and I hope it's not his last. 

NORTH MACEDONIA. Points: 295 Position: 8th. Song: Proud by Tamara Todevska

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: Jo from S Club 7

Well, it's good to see Jo getting work somewhere. I was bored shitless, but everyone else seemed to love it.

SWEDEN. Points: 332 Position: 6th. Song:Too Late For Love by John Lundvik

Reality TV Background: None, but he wrote a song for a Swedish royal wedding, so he's like Elton John

Sounds Like: The Lighthouse Family

This was one of the favourites, which I wholly supported because Sweden should be allowed to host every year. John was hot, he could dance, he could sing, he could rollerskate. I even liked the backlit smokey visuals, like he was Blade coming to take down the vampires of Iceland. But it was all for nought. Poor John.

SLOVENIA. Points: 105 Position: 13th. Song: Sebi by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl

Reality TV Background: None, they're REALLY IN LOVE *snort*

Looks Like: Mona Lisa and Friend

Nope, sorry wrong pic

She sang this entire song directly into his eye, while he tried to fake-play his guitar. It was every sixth form talent show, but with terribly fitting jeans. He even stroked her hair. I call fauxmance. 

CYPRUS. Points: 101 Position: 15th. Song: Replay by Tamta

Reality TV Background: Greek Pop Idol: 2004, second place

Looks Like: A subpar Madonna tribute act

This was basically Fuego The Second, and it was fine. Her outfit, however, was a crime. 

THE NETHERLANDS. Points: 492 Position: WINNER. Song: Arcade by Duncan Laurence

Reality TV Background: The Voice Holland: 2014, semi finalist

Sounds Like: Justin Timberlake B-side or an Amy Winehouse rip-off if you reach

There was a huge piano, a globe of light that descended from the sky halfway through, and a lot of side-eyeing the camera. I'm still not sure why it won.

GREECE. Points: 71 Position: 21st. Song: Better Love by Katerine Duska

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: ...a mess

I mean, what was she WEARING? Why did they have SWORDS? Did the ball that appeared later represent VIRGINITY? Who knows?

ISRAEL. Points: 47 Position: 23rd. Song: Home by Kobi Marimi

Reality TV Background: HaKokhav HaBa: 2019 winner

Looks Like: Sacha Baron Cohen

Has anyone ever been quite so proud to represent their home country? He cried at the end, bless his face. Gina G never cried.

NORWAY. Points: 338 Position: 5th. Song: Spirit in the Sky by KEiiNO

Reality TV Background: None, they're a SUPER GROUP

Looks Like: Alex Skarsgaard, a Basshunter backing dancer and René Dif

DO YOU KNOW WHO WAS ROBBED?

NORWAY. NORWAY WAS ROBBED. Forty seven points from the jury vote, and then they won the televote by a COUNTRY MILE. The bald dude who kept bellowing like the Swedish Chef is actually a Norwegian politican who can sing in the Sami style. He was like a chanter, weaving some magic with his song to get Norway more votes. It worked.

UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 16 Position: 26th, dead fucking last. Song: Bigger Than Us by Michael Rice

Reality TV Background: All Together Now: 2018 winner

Looks Like: Every lad from Hartlepool on their way home from Greggs

Slammed in between Norway's bop and Iceland's...whatever that was, we not only got memory-holed, our song was fucking shite and the staging was worse. Proper X Factor winner's single dross. Try harder, or indeed, at all, next year.

ICELAND. Points: 234 Position: 10th. Song: Hatrið Mun Sigra by Hatari

Reality TV Background: None, but their management wanted to dissolve the band when they failed to er...stop capitalism. 

Looks Like: The fire alarm went off at Torture Garden

"Please don't tell Charles I was here"

Look! It's budget Rammstein! Extremely budget. There was a key change, there was a goth Princess Diana: The Wilderness Years, there was a guy with his whole arse out hanging about doing the splits. If the Pet Shop Boys had a really bad trip, this is what they would have released, instead of West End Boys.

ESTONIA. Points: 86 Position: 19th. Song: Storm by Victor Crone

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: A divorcee in the pub chatting up the teenage girls

Why yes, he IS the owner of the BMW 3 series parked badly outside, thanks for asking. Victor CRONE, with the SOUNDS coming out of his WHOLESOME mouth! This was quite the contrast with Hatari. 

BELARUS. Points: 31 Position: 25th. Song: Like It by Zina

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: Jentina, back from the dead

This was so EXTREMELY 2004, I expected Eamon to be in the audience, writing a clapback. It was bouncy, but dull, and nobody much voted for it. 

AZERBAIJAN. Points: 297 Position: 7th. Song: Truth by Chingiz

Reality TV Background: Pop Idol Azerbaijan: 2006, winner

Looks Like: A Dothraki prince

Azerbaijan's answer to Jason Derulo spent a lot of this song with some robots from a car factory pointing lasers at him in front of the Gladiators logo. I suppose we should be grateful they didn't go rogue and rip his heart clean out. Then Chingiz literally EXPLODED on stage, which as a gimmick is only marginally better than Russia singing in the shower or that creepy-ass angel from Croatia. I DID like his tunic.

FRANCE. Points: 105 Position: 14th. Song: Roi by Bilal Hassani

Reality TV Background: The Voice Kids France: 2015, Battle Rounds

Looks Like: Ariana Grande's wig, become sentient

There was a LOT of English in this performance, so I expect the Académie Française will be having words with Bilal this week.  Et ces mots seront en Français. The song was a bit boring, but the staging was all EMPOWERING WOMEN and WIGS, so yay.

ITALY. Points: 465 Position: RUNNER UP. Song: Soldi by Mahmood

Reality TV Background: X Factor Italy: 2015, sixth. Sanremo Giovani: 2018, winner.

Looks Like: A Sisqo tribute act

Sisqo called. He wants his shirt back.

I was distracted by the fact he appeared to be singing about being Inspector Montalbano. Everyone seemed to love this a lot more than I did. 

SERBIA. Points: 92 Position: 17th. Song: Kruna by Nevena Božović

Reality TV Background: The Voice Serbia: 2012, runner-up

Looks Like: An 80s fantasy film villain

Another act, another ballad. She reminded me of Kelly Clarkson, but less ragey. LOVELY DRESS THOUGH.

SWITZERLAND. Points: 360 Position: 4th. Song: She Got Me by Luca Hänni

Reality TV Background: Deutschland Sucht den Superstar: 2012, winner

Looks Like: Ryan Thomas

Now, I thought this would do a bit better than it did as well. What's not to like about this young man and his red screens? Even though I spent most of his semi final performance looking up why Switzerland's country code is CHE instead of SUI. What? Oh, it stands for Confoederatio Helvetica. 

AUSTRALIA. Points: 285 Position: 9th. Song: Zero Gravity by Kate Miller-Heidke

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: Queen Elsa and her dementors

No no no no no. Queen Elsa on a pole, swinging about in midair like a balloon man on a garage forecourt, singing Hocus Pocus by Focus. I FELT LIKE I WAS ON DRUGS. AGAIN.

SPAIN. Points: 53 Position:22nd. Song: La Venda by Miki

Reality TV Background: Operación Triunfo: 2018, sixth place

Looks Like: Jay McGuinness on uppers, presenting a DIY show

Last, and almost least, came Miki and the set of Fun House fresh from 1989. Nobody voted for it, although I quite enjoyed it. It's the sort of song that usually goes viral in August, when everyone's come back from Majorca with an earworm. 

THE INTERVAL!

First! The Eurovision circle jerk!

I've never been more aroused.

Conchita sang Heroes (really well!), Mans sang Fuego (less well!), Eleni sang Dancing Lasha Tumbai (why not?), Verka sang toy (which was fine) and then Gali Atari came out and they all sang Hallelujah together. Aww.

Then an awkward Madonna interview. She had a ship waiting in Haifa and she needed a crew. Pretty sure Hatari made their escape on that ship.

Then the Idan Raichel Project popped up to remind us we are in the Middle East, and not...Europe.

Israel's answer to Derren Brown popped up (WAS URI GELLER BUSY???) and then Netta came back to sing an ungodly dirge about bananas.

That shit was bananas. B A N A N A S.

Madonna came back to sing Like a Prayer apparently with a new and excitingly different key. The key of flat. Then she sang her new song about everybody dying (or something)

Like yer nan in church

Then Gal Gadot briefly appeared in her new role as the Judith Chalmers of Israel.

ברוכים הבאים לישראל indeed!

And so the results rolled in, and normally I give a rundown of all the best score-giver-outers, but this year I am ILL and they were SHIT. Azerbajani Airport Guy's been replaced, and so has Nina Sublatti. Instead, I give you my personal results highlights:

After the jury vote

It came down to Netherlands vs Sweden. There were only 253 points in it, and that didn't seem an unreasonable amount of points for Sweden to get from the televote.

And oh, they milked it. Look at poor John's face:

Only for Sweden to come in sixth, since they only got 93 points. 

Ouch.

And so that's that. You'll note I kept the politics out of it, because I am a coward. Frankly, I don't see why Israel are let in anyway. KICK 'EM OUT. THEM AND AUSTRALIA. CHEEKY BASTARDS. 

Next year, the Dutch host for the first time since 1976. Expect windmills,waterways and weed. And an awful lot of references to the fact the last time we were in the Netherlands, Britain won. We won't win. 

Eurovision 2019: Falling at the Final Hurdle

It's been a while. I was gonna blog Dancing on Ice, and I tried, believe me I tried, but my god, it was EXECRABLE.

So, for the seventh year running on this 'ere blog, EUROVISION. This year there is no Ukraine (coz Russia) and Bulgaria (coz money). As has become tradition, ahead of the Grand Event tomorrow, here's a brief tribute to those semi final acts who just didn't hit the right note with the voting audience:

And the first of those semi final acts is a FAT BALLERINA WHO CAN SING, AS INSPIRED BY DANA INTERNATIONAL Woo, welcome to Tel Aviv. Yes, it's Netta (as portrayed by a small child actor), last year's winner, who then opens the semi finals by singing LOOK AT ME until we look at her, then sings a remix of Toy dressed like something out of Tron. Well, it's better than the seven thousand power ballads coming.

First to trip and fall was D mol from Montenegro. Six, white-shirted, clean-cut WHOLESOME types, doing the whole S Club 7 thing twenty years too late.

Those flocked-wallpaper suits are, frankly, enough to get them shot into space from a cannon (although I liked the coat). It reminded me of Hear'Say singing Bridge Over Troubled Water over and over and over again, with their terrible key change and nasal elements. Like a newly born pop band being paraded in front of a bunch of unenthusiastic year 8s, this was...this was bad.

Darude, yes THE Darude, represented Finland, with his mate Sebastian.

But because Sebastian, a budget Wolverine, was not singing "Sandstorm! WOO! SANDSTORM! SANDY! YEAAAH", nobody liked it. Poor Darude.

Poland came next. And as is customary, the question was simple. MILKMAIDS?

NO.
This was Tulia, a Depeche Mode tribute act, doing their best Republica impression dressed as a Nina West runway. I thought, maybe it means something deeply profound in Polish? But...nope.

Hungary's Joci Pápai has done this before.

He sang about his dad, and while doing so, his dad loomed onto the video wall, looking like an extra from a Rick Stein documentary. This made it seem a bit like Joci's dad might have sadly died, but nope, he just loves his dad. Sweet.

One again, Belgium sent an actual child to sing in a tearful voice while men DRUMMED

Look at him! He was JUST BORN. Anyway, his name was Eliot, and we won't be seeing him again.

This young rogue is Oto Nemsadze from Georgia:

He requires a fighter, mage and cleric for he must go adventuring in the Caucasus Mountains, and his skill lies in the stealthy arts. There were also a load of gruff men, who could not compete with Norway's gruff man (for which, see the main show), and fireworks. I love Georgia. Any country whose national dish is basically a massive cheese puff is close to my heart. Maybe next year, they'll let Nina Sublatti come back.

The last failure of semi final one was Portugal, who won only two years ago. But they were never gonna win with this slice of absolute lunacy.

It took me a good TWO MINUTES to work out what was going on, and I'm still not absolutely sure. The guy in the chin strap delights in the name CONAN OSIRIS (not his real name) and he has a FRIEND who is in a skirt, but also in trainers, and spent far too long EN POINTE in his trainers and why? Just why?

For the second semi, there was far less fanfare to open it up, but frankly, I can do without Netta clucking around like a demented broody hen. Rylan invoked the spirit of Tesco Mary which is why I love Rylan and will brook no argument.

Armenia opened the show, not that it did them any good.

This was Srbruk, in her big 'ol boots with her ratty dreads, looking like Tulisa after Glastonbury. She seemed furious, and I quite liked it, but alas.

Sarah McTernan from Ireland was mentored by Rachel Stevens in The Voice. Rachel Stevens, the personality void. Much is explained.

I've seen porn like this. Anyway, it sounded really bad which wasn't Sarah's fault, and it was a painful, visual mess.

Moldova came next and went out next, with a SAND ARTIST

The sand artist, Ksenyia, is Ukranian. She helped out with Ukraine's entry in 2011, so she has no NATIONAL PRIDE. The sand was much prettier than the boring, Disney-villain ballad Anna Odobescu was singing in her wedding dress.

Latvia used to send banger after banger after banger. This?

LATVIA DEL RAY! I didn't hate it, but I was plagued by trying to work out who Carousel's singer looks like. It's going to haunt my fucking sleep. Some corpse from a murder TV show I'll wager.

Romania were absolutely FUCKING ROBBED.

ROBBED!!!!!!

ROBBBBEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!
I am in love with Ester Peony. Look at her! Vampires, and pyrotechnics, and bondage and LOOK AT HER. Robbed. I shall never forgive myself for not getting Alex asleep in time to vote!

Yikes

And so to Austria

Her name was PÆNDA AKA Gabriella Horn. Any relation? Only dogs could hear the chorus, and her outfit choice was POOR. She looked liked her legs and tits had been eaten by grue.

Croatia sent the absolute SMUGGEST CUNT, and he had a BACKSTORY.

Roko started off in HELL, with HELLFIRE and VOLCANIC IMAGERY, until he got some wings banged on half-heartedly by some twinks. But he didn't even FLY. Can you imagine going to all that trouble to get angels and not bother with a HARNESS? When Australia's there banging around on a pole like something gone wrong? Try harder next time.

Last to fail was wholesome Lithuania.

And is it any wonder? A young Leo DiCaprio (real name Jurij Veklenko) looking soulful had no chance against this lot of posers.

The hot favourites to win this year are Sweden and I APPROVE THIS MOTION solely because it means Petra Mede will host. Also in the running are The Netherlands and Australia. Australia...are awful, but that's never stopped anyone winning before. Keep an eye out for the angry men of Iceland.