Soph's TV Snark: Eurovision 2018

Welcome to Eurovision 2018! The rather low energy opener to the show featured a lot of guitar and dismayed looking women:

And your ugly brother who got decks for his birthday, going large with your uncle at a birthday party:

The flag ceremony was sponsored by Jean Paul Gaultier's perfume bottles:

Nautical innit?

And the show was hosted by ALL THESE WOMEN

Filomena is the best one. And also, the worst.

UKRAINE. Points: 130 Position: 17th. Song: Under The Ladder by Mélovin

Reality TV Background: X Factor Ukraine: Winner 2016

Looks Like: Rudolph the Little Vampire

My absolute fave opened the show. From the moment he appeared, a moody, vampire-on-horseback, in his VT, I knew I had found love. And then the performance! Locked into a coffin that was also a grand piano! Setting FIRE TO EVERYTHING! PLAYING THE PIANO, WHILE EVERYTHING WAS ON FIRE! With his big vampire cape, single contact lens, and DANCE BEAT, I loved it. I was broadly alone in this.

SPAIN. Points: 61 Position: 23rd. Song: Tu Canción by Amaia and Alfred

Reality TV Background: Operación Triunfo: Winner 2018 and 4th Place

Looks Like: Reese Witherspoon being courted by a young Richard Arnold

Young love! So sweet! So soft! So shite. That embroidery on his jacket should be against the law.

SLOVENIA. Points: 64 Position: 22nd. Song: Hvala, Ne! by Lea Sirk

Reality TV Background: Znan Obraz Ima Svoj Glas (Your Face Sounds Familiar): 2017

Sounds Like: A Martin Garrix album track

The only good bit about this performance (of an admitted banger) was the looks on people's faces when the music stopped.

LITHUANIA. Points: 181 Position: 12th. Song:When We're Old by Ieva Zasimauskaitė

Reality TV Background: Lietuvos Balsas (The Voice Lithuania): 2012, 3rd Place

Looks Like: Giovanna Fletcher having a nervo

Maternity bridal is so last year. She sounds like Dolores O'Riordan with a throat infection, singing away about how when she is nine hundred years old, she will still fake-cry when her boyfriend walks over a bridge to look at her. It's like a Nationwide advert, but WORSE.

AUSTRIA. Points: 342 Position: 3rd. Song: Nobody But You by Cesár Sampson

Reality TV Background: None! Shock!

Looks Like: Craig David! Check it out! Seven days! Yeah! KES!

He met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, got stuck on a platform on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, was freed on Sunday.

ESTONIA. Points: 245 Position: 8th. Song: La Forza by Elina Nechayeva

Reality TV Background: None!

Looks Like: Meghan Markle

Awful screaming popera, wrapped in a big projection screen of a dress. Inexplicably popular.

NORWAY. Points: 144 Position: 15th. Song: That's How You Write A Song by Alexander Rybak

Reality TV Background:Idol: Jakten På en Superstjerne (Norway's Pop Idol): 2005, Finalist. Kjempesjansen: 2006, Winner

Looks Like: A puppy

So how does Alexander write a song? Well, first he believes in it, and then he rolls in it. JUST LIKE A PUPPY. Towards the end, he pulled out a violin. Does he think he's in YELLOWCARD or something?

PORTUGAL. Points: 39 Position: 26th. Song: O Jardim by Cláudia Pascoal

Reality TV Background: Ídolos: 2010 and 2015. X Factor Portugal: 2013. The Voice Portugal: 2017, 6th Place

Looks Like: Iveta Lukosiute and Kristen Stewart formed a band

In true Eurovision tradition, the host made damn sure they wouldn't have to host again by sending this pile of dung. It's no Salvador.

UNITED KINGDOM. Points: 48 Position: 24th. Song: Storm by SuRie

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: Annie Lennox

WELL! I quite liked the staging. I quite liked the song. But it was only when some fucking dickhead stage invaded, stole SuRie's mic and started bellowing about Nazis that this performance came into its own. Because SuRie was FUCKING FURIOUS and it pumped her up no end. She then declined to perform it again. It's a bit TROUBLING how easy it is for people with backpacks to get on stage at Eurovision. However, not even a stage invader could save us from scoring bugger all. At least we beat Saara Aalto.

SERBIA. Points: 113 Position: 19th. Song: Нова деца by Sanja Ilić & Balkanika

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: A poorly put together RPG party

I've said it before, I've said it again, three mages and a druid will see you dead in your first combat with a giant rat. Despite the sacrificial overtones, nobody died during this performance, which was accentuated by an ancient bearded flautist and a guy with big drums. I loved it.

GERMANY. Points: 340 Position: 4th. Song: You Let Me Walk Alone by Michael Schulte

Reality TV Background: The Voice Germany: 2012, 3rd Place.

Looks Like: The lovechild of Mick Hucknall. Maybe he really did sleep with a woman once.

Likened to Ed Sheeran, and about as bafflingly popular. He sang a lovely song about his dad, and scored Germany's best result in eight years. So, yay for Michael.

ALBANIA. Points: 184 Position: 11th. Song: Mall by Eugent Bushpepa

Reality TV Background: None, but has supported Duff McKagan on tour (?!?!)

Looks Like: A bearded Elijah Wood was blown through a metal gig

Such promise, and yet it sounds like a bad Goo Goo Dolls album track. Eugent is a dentist in the day, and apparently a buckle-fetishist by night.

FRANCE. Points: 173 Position: 13th. Song: Mercy by Madame Monsieur
Reality TV Background: None
Looks: EXTREMELY FRENCH

This song was about a baby called Mercy, born after her mother was rescued from the Mediterranean. But the pun! THE PUN! Their outfits (all angles and wonky legged trousers) were designed by Jean Paul Gaultier.

CZECH REPUBLIC. Points: 281 Position: 6th. Song: Lie To Me by Mikolas Josef

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like:

Or indeed, Tom Fletcher, or Vanilla Ice.

Gawd, where to begin. It was extremely catchy. I even vaguely admired his dancing. But I think the staging actually sent me blind. And what was in the leather rucksack? Crack? His dignity? We'll never know.

DENMARK. Points: 226 Position: 9th. Song: Higher Ground by Rasmussen

Reality TV Background: None, but he fronts a tribute act to hair metal. Try and look surprised.

Looks Like: Rob Zombie

WELL. A group of Vikings, marching by their boats, singing about giving up a life of plunder to settle on distant shores. Like...you know, Stamford and stuff. The best bit was when they exhorted the crowd to walk with them.

AUSTRALIA. Points: 99 Position: 20th. Song: We Got Love by Jessica Mauboy

Reality TV Background: Australian Idol: 2006, 2nd Place

Looks Like: Your pissed mate, convinced she's Britney Spears, dancing in Flares

Australia, it was fun the first time. But you've had your turn. Bugger off.

FINLAND. Points: 46 Position: 25th. Song: Monsters by Saara Aalto

Reality TV Background: The Voice Finland: 2012, 2nd Place. X Factor UK: 2016, 2nd Place. Judges X Factor Suomi.

Looks Like: Saara Aalto and her Merry Band of Sex Nazis

I thought this was a dead cert going in, but perhaps all the Nazi imagery coming from Finland in the current political climate was a BIT ON THE NOSE. This is what happens when you let Brian Friedman choreograph away from ITV. She even sang UPSIDE DOWN and scored less than us.

BULGARIA. Points: 166 Position: 14th. Song: Bones by Equinox

Reality TV Background: Various in this terrible 'supergroup'. The girl won Bulgarian X Factor and was also in Danish X Factor. One of the men was in X Factor Romania. Another was in America's Got Talent

Looks Like: Sia, some randoms and Fat Will.I.Am

Lots of jumpers, but not a lot else going for it.

MOLDOVA. Points: 209 Position: 10th. Song: My Lucky Day by DoReDoS

Reality TV Background: Astonishingly, none.

Looks Like: A Wiggles' Sex Tape

Moldova, and their proud tradition of sending any old shit to Eurovision, once more paid off with this joyful piece of fifties styling meets seventies culture. It was all the thrill of Blind Date, with added glory holes, sexual assault, and HIDDEN EXTRAS backstage. I cannot encompass the joys in one screenshot, so here's a link to it in all its dodgy glory. And bear in mind that second pink guy had no trousers on for most of that performance, because he was being the third pair of shaved lady legs. Respect to Second Pink Guy.

SWEDEN. Points: 274 Position: 7th. Song: Dance You Off by Benjamin Ingrosso

Reality TV Background: He won Let's Dance 2014, and is the cousin of one of Swedish House Mafia

Looks Like: Smug Rob Brydon

I always want Sweden to win, because then Petra Mede will host again. But it was very hard to want this smug dick to win. Literally grasping his cock and then pulling himself across the stage with it, to seduce the ladies. Ugh, put it away love.

HUNGARY. Points: 93 Position: 21st. Song: Viszlát Nyár by AWS

Reality TV Background: FUNNILY ENOUGH, none

Looks Like: Every single screamo band from 2002. YOU DON'T KNOW THE PAIN! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, MUM!

Yes, I could have got a better screencap, but you can really FEEL HIS PAIN in this one. I thoroughly enjoyed this. It was like being 17 again. I like to think their song translates to You Said No (And I Cut Out My Eyes With Love) but it actually means Summer's Gone. Sigh. There was even a SCREAMING KYEBOARD BREAKDOWN and a KEY CHANGE. Anyway, the only thing that really took me out of my nostalgic moment was the fact he was barefoot. As any fool knows, you do not go to a gig barefoot, unless you want a needlestick injury and tetanus.

ISRAEL. Points: 529 Position: 1st. Song: Toy by Netta

Reality TV Background: HaKokhav HaBa: 2017 Winner

Looks Like: Netto Björk on acid. Acid and pies.

So, our winner is a looping, chicken-squawking, cultural-appropriating woman, who managed to get motherfucking beat into her song by disguising it as OTHER WORDS. It was an unsurprising winner, but I sincerely look forward to the attempts to keep politics out of an Israeli hosted contest.

NETHERLANDS. Points: 121 Position: 18th. Song :Outlaw In 'Em by Waylon

Reality TV Background: Holland's Got Talent: 2008, 2nd Place.

Looks Like: Budget Garth Brooks

This guy was formerly in the Common Linnets and must be stopped. Country music with CRUNKING dancers? No. End crunking country. And to think he thought he might win.

IRELAND. Points: 136 Position: 16th. Song: Together by Ryan O'Shaughnessy

Reality TV Background: The Voice of Ireland: 2012. Britain's Got Talent: 2012, 5th Place

Looks Like: Sam Smith and Christopher Maloney's unholy lovechild

Much falsetto, very ballad, wow. This got a lot of attention for the two dancers EMBODYING homosexual courtship rituals: having a CUDDLE, and clasping each others' faces, and backflipping over benches. Then it snowed. I genuinely preferred Nicky Byrne's rictus grin to that.

CYPRUS. Points: 436 Position: 2nd. Song: Fuego by Eleni Foureira

Reality TV Background: None

Looks Like: A STAR

I liked her vagina wall staging. This Beyonce tribute act was pretty good, and came a princely second.

ITALY. Points: 308 Position: 5th. Song: Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente by Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro

Reality TV Background: None, but discovered at the Sanremo Music Festival

Looks Like: Taika Waititi and Fabrizio Moretti

Hello Italy! This was a song about dancing against the fear of terrorism, with lots of multilingual subtitles. I liked it because it kinda reminded me of my wedding song, which is about a noble suicide rather than terrorism. Anyway, it did very well.

And lo, the votes did open.

The interval act was a bit downbeat, no Riverdance here. Instead, this soppy cunt DJ called Branko did a set of the sort of music playing in the chillout room when your friends force you to go in there and calm down because you're crawling up the walls on ecstasy*. It's no happy drummer.

There's also a genuinely terribly 'comedy' skit about how bad Portugal has previously done in Eurovision. The answer is Extremely Bad. They'd never scored more than 92 points before last year.

Portuguese Craig Revel Horwood working hard there.

This is Young Eurovision winner, Polina Bogusevich.

She was loud.

And so, Salvador 'I'm Too Good For This' Sobral returned to the stage.

Before he performed, Graham commented how he was looking well, and I thought he was referring to the fact that Salvador has discovered conditioner. But no, Salvador had a HEART TRANSPLANT IN DECEMBER.GNARLY.

And so, to the crowning glory of Eurovision: the jury vote representatives!