But this means that, if you're not quite such a fanatic as to watch four hours of Eurovision bureaucracy over two week nights, that you miss out on some truly stupendous chaff, as well as dodgy Europe jokes and extra Petra Mede. Here's the rundown, with links to the official videos:
First up, we had a hyper aggressive Finnish lady, who was a weird mash up of Rita Ora and Jessie J in her mandemmandemsugasugasugasuga days.
Her name was Sandhja and, despite the Heart FM Friday night feel of the song, she kept yelling BRAP BRAP BRAP in the chorus. She had a whole team of early-00s backing dancers. It was...alarming.
Next came Greece, and the band Argo.
A Fiona Bruce lookalike, and her friend, in Grecian dress sang beautifully, only to have a pair of rapping fools to emerge. It was like Big Brovaz, but white. And Greek. The video, by the way, is amazingly stark. Greek debt in action.
Moldova didn't do well either.
There was nothing particularly wrong with Lidia Isac, bad dye-job aside, or her classic Eurodance song about stars. But then an astronaut appeared, with hair like Sisqo and despite what half the boys in my year thought about Sisqo in 2000, that is not a good look. Her dress was magnificent though.
San Marino, bless their hearts. There's only 32000 people in the place, and they've all tried out for Eurovision already, so they had to employ Serhat from Turkey.
Serhat, like an old Lou Bega, sang a sub-standard early 70s Bond theme while perving all over some much younger women. For shame, Serhat.
Estonia were my favourites last year. I still regularly listen to Stig Rästa smiling at the dog. Stig also wrote this song, which was one of the most terrifying things at Eurovision this year.
This child Jüri Pootsmann, apparently straight out of the Hitler Youth, did a magic trick, alarming wiggles of his hips, and genuinely malevolent giggles. I expect to see him in a horror film soon.
Montenegro tried hard this year, with their Jonas Brothersesque fourth-place-X Factor-Adria placed group Highway, who sounded kinda like Trent Reznor had a go at Eurovision.
Not as good as that would be, obviously. They decided to deflect attention from themselves by putting a scantily clad woman at the front of the staging, gyrating. They literally sang about feeling good when inside a woman. Ban this sick filth now.
Iceland were robbed. Greta Salóme, on her second Eurovision, is a budget version of last year's necromantic Georgian KWEEN, in her moth-eaten frock. She sang heartily against a video wall.
Pamela Stephenson does Within Temptation.
Bosnia and Herzegovina. Well. Do you remember last year's Armenian entry? With the party of six mages, opening a portal to hell? WELL. Dalal & Deen, with Ana Rucner and Jala (yeah) learned from this mistake and have a party with a rogue and a fighter:
Beautiful. Never change, Eastern European role players. Unfortunately, this isn't enough to get them into the finals, despite singing in Bosnian about love being a vicious paradise. The official video's also worth a watch, mainly because it looks like they're performing it in a cardboard cut out.
Semi Final Two, where we actually got to vote (at least you did if your children went to sleep before 10pm, damn you children), was similarly rich in hilarity, mainly thanks to this magnificent song. God bless you, Petra Mede.
Switzerland were the night's first failure. Young Rykka, a blue curled lady, went barefoot in a see-through skirt, with smoke curling from her armpits.
In the video, she sounds like Sia. In performance, alas, she sounded flat and awful. My sound engineer husband was not impressed by the live mix at all, and considering most acts sounded a little bit off, perhaps it was not entirely her fault. But it was uninspiring fare.
Belarus. Wow. IVAN (capitals his) was literally NAKED AND HOWLING AT A WOLF to begin with.
Apparently, he really did try and get them to let him have real wolves on stage, but Eurovision said no. Shame. This was followed by an innocuous song about flying. Ivan looks just like Faramir, the second in tonight's sequence (after Latvia, of which more after the weekend) of David Wenham lookalikes.
I think he may have been let down by his absolute inability to wink.Or maybe his holographic band consisting only of himself. I can't believe you voted through POLAND, and let this EPIC MASTERWORK slide.
Obligatory naked Måns picture
Unf.
Oh Ireland. Oh Nicky Byrne. OH IRELAND!
Help! This song is a reasonably upbeat, passable tune about the sun. Because EUROPE LOVES THE SUN, RIGHT?
That HAIR. That JACKET. That weird DANCE. That RICTUS GRIN. That RETINA SEARING backdrop. ALL those FLAT notes. Europe said no.
The Former Republic of Macedonia put forward deep bosomed diva Kaliopi, who formerly judged Macedonian Idol.
This is her drummer:Jamie Vardy has taken his party to Macedonia. It wouldn't have been so bad, but at the end, she just SCREAMED and it was terrifying.
Slovenia sent the lovely ManuElla to yodel about colours.
My husband is devastated she didn't get through. I cannot imagine why. It's all rather Dolores O'Riordan does Cbeebies. What DO you get if you mix red and blue together? ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBI-I-I-I-Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eyyyyyyyyyy.
Stick man! O Stick Man! Beware of the boobs!
Denmark were bloody awful. They sent in the three doctors:
Smith, McGann and Tennant. They're actually called Lighthouse X and performed a song that sounded like Dragostea Din Tei, looked like a dishevelled Blue-minus-Simon-Webbe and I just read their wiki page and feel guilty for being horrible. They're ambassadors for charities. Er. shame about your song guys.
Norway next, with a Sash! inspired verse and a SHANDEHLEEEYUUUH dirge of a chorus. Not so much a mashup of styles as a Frankenstein's monster, sung by Agnete.
I can only imagine the icebreaker she's singing about is her massive forehead. Strap her to the front of a ship and she'd move through any icefield.
The final loser is Albania, with Eneda Tarifa. She looks like Saffron from Republica.
The song is a subpar Bond theme that has nothing going for it. Sorry Albania.
The final is tomorrow night., and my money is on Israel, Lithuania or Russia. Those in the know are very keen on Austria. BUT I WANT Ukraine and it's FURIOUS anthem against war to win.
Hoorah for Eurovision!
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