To begin, a flag ceremony, not unlike the Olympics except soundtracked by Swedish House Mafia, where the flags were projected onto vogueing dancers wearing bog roll.
These two are deities. Honestly, Sweden should just host every year. Petra was met with a chant and rapturous applause. Måns, slightly less so.
BELGIUM. POINTS: 181 POSITION: 10th Laura Tesoro - What's The Pressure?
Sounded Like: Sax by Fleur East
This youth placed second in The Voice Flanders. Stupid sexy Flanders. As an opening song, it worked well, and it's the only song I still have in my head, but it looked and felt like a second place The Voice entry. She did alright.
CZECH REPUBLIC. POINTS: 41 POSITION: 25th Gabriela Gunčíková - I Stand
Looked like: Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud
Isn't it called Czechia now? This lady was also a runner up on a singing show (Czech Pop Idol) and, although she looked a bit like a sad Tsarina in a deserted ballroom, did this rather forgettable ballad about standing justice. One of the two acts the UK managed to beat.
NETHERLANDS. POINTS: 153 POSITION: 11th Douwe Bob - Slow Down
Sounded like:Every country song on Keep It Country, the dreadful but amazing Irish country music channel on Sky. You must watch it. They interview priests in pubs and everything.
I quite fancy Douwe Bob and his big neck tattoo. He's a top 40 charting artist in the Netherlands. This song, however, was rather dull and spoilt by the ten second silence near the end, and the alarming guitarist.
AZERBAIJAN. POINTS: 117 POSITION: 17th Samra - Miracle
Looked like: Steps
Samra is another The Voice runner up, Turkish edition this time. SO MUCH GOLD, GOLD AS ABUNDANT AS AZERBAIJAN'S OIL! The dancer in the shoulder guards deserved extra points for bringing the most flair.
HUNGARY. POINTS: 108 POSITION: 19th Freddie - Pioneer
Sounded like: A very heavy smokerLooked like: A hybrid of Nick Jonas and Zayn Malik
Ah, Freddie is a former runner up of Rising Star, which is the European challenger to the Voice/X Factor/Idol franchises. I SENSE A THEME. He had three backing singers whose only role was to whistle occasionally, and a tribal drummer. Woo!
ITALY. POINTS: 124 POSITION: 16th Francesca Michielin - No Degree of Separation
Looked like: Lana Del Boy LARPing as a Bosmer
Winner of X Factor Italy, Francesca has had actual number one singles in Italy. However, for Eurovision, she turned up in bark coloured dungarees and the most garish video wall, and Europe did not like it. Not as much as they didn't like us, or Germany, but even so.
ISRAEL. POINTS: 135 POSITION: 14th Hovi Star - Made Of Stars
Looked like: Sam Smith and Adam Lambert's child.
This song was fine. The staging was effective. The man in a wheel that occasionally lit up was something to look at. But it needed more sparkle. It needed someone to put a donk on it. But nobody did. I DID like his glittery boots.I also liked him telling Europe that the dreams that they dare to dream really do come true. The liar.
BULGARIA. POINTS: 307 POSITION: 4th Poli Genova - If Love Was A Crime
Looked like: Robyn. Tron with amazing hair
Say no more. She's a former kid's TV presenter, and you could tell.iMAGINE WALKING DOWN A LONELY ROAD, 3AM.THEN, APPEARING LIKE A DAVID LYNCH FILM, BULGARIA APPEARS, LIT LIKE TRON & BANDY DANCING #eurovision— Chris Rubery (@Chrisrubery) May 12, 2016
SWEDEN. POINTS: 261 POSITION: 5th Frans - If I Were Sorry
Sounded like: Bright Eyes
Looked like: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
This LITERAL CHILD had a number one single in Sweden ten years ago for THIRTEEN WEEKS. This song did surprisingly well, considering he kept grimacing as though he had a turtle head. Bless his youthful soul.
GERMANY. POINTS: 11 POSITION: 26th Jamie-Lee - Ghost
Looked like: A harajuku girl wannabe. A pokémon. An idiot. You choose.
So, another winner of The Voice. I used to wear that many bracelets. When I was sixteen. In 2001. GROW UP, LADY. Poor Jamie-Lee came last with this monotonous nursery rhyme.
FRANCE. POINTS: 257 POSITION: 6th Amir - J'ai Cherché
Sounded like: A David Guetta song without any bass
This song has grown on me, but I still can't fathom why it did so well. Amir was rather pretty, and an alumnus of Israeli Pop Idol and French The Voice, which is BY FAR the best of The Voice franchise. The judges are all the ABSOLUTE EPITOME of Frenchness, and it's on for about six hours on a Saturday night.
POLAND. POINTS: 229 POSITION: 8th Michał Szpak - Color Of Your Life
Looked like: A really sad soldier. A young Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen. A hipster.
When not at Eurovision, young Michał looks like Slash in Lennon glasses. Someone decided this red coat was a good look for him, and so did Europe. Who knows why? When on Polish X Factor, Michał performed with Alexandra Burke, and came second, losing out to an actual busker. He was also on Polish Strictly. THE MAN'S A HOUSEHOLD NAME! He got seven points from the juries, but shot up to 8th on the phone vote.
But he's not a Polish milkmaid. Neva4get.
AUSTRALIA. POINTS: 511 POSITION: 2nd Dami Im - Sound of Silence
I DIDN'T LIKE IT, ALRIGHT? I DON'T THINK AUSTRALIA SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO COME OVER HERE AND BE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE SONG AND SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE SHOULD BE IN A MUSIC BOX AND HAD A GLITZY PLINTH. GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR ACCOMPLISHED PRODUCTION. Ahem. She did well.
CYPRUS. POINTS: 96 POSITION: 21st Minus One - Alter Ego
Sounded like: Somebody Told Me by The Killers
Looked like: A metal band trying to appeal to a wider audience. David Draiman and Robert Trujillo were both in there.
He howled halfway through. I like to think it was a tribute to Belarus.
SERBIA. POINTS: 115 POSITION: 18th Sanja Vučić - Goodbye
Looked like: Lorde not Lordi
LITHUANIA. POINTS: 200 POSITION: 9th Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night
Looked like: Bieber
Honestly, I thought this was going to do much better. Shows I've got my finger on the pulse. This was Donny's second Eurovision appearance, and he did a lot better than previously. Maybe the third time will be the charm.
CROATIA. POINTS: 73 POSITION: 23rd Nina Kraljić - Lighthouse
Another winner of The Voice, Nina's pre-performance video had her actually hugging trees. She appeared dressed like this:
And then like this:
And that was the most memorable thing about her whole performance.
RUSSIAN. POINTS: 491 POSITION: 3rd Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One
Looked like: Jeremy Renner
Sergey won Dancing On Ice Russia. That's an achievement. This is the first year in a while that Russia haven't sent some sweet child to sing about peace. They took Sweden's video wall from last year and RAN AWAY with the concept, as Sergey clambered about on magical bits that came out of it. Witchcraft.
SPAIN. POINTS: 77 POSITION: 22nd Barei - Say Yay!
Looked like: Kristen Stewart
I kinda love this woman for looking absolutely furious when interviewed by Mel in the semi final, and I quite liked this song. The rest of Europe did not. The bandy legged dance craze is also popular in Spain. To the club!
LATVIA. POINTS: 132 POSITION: 15th Justs - Heartbeat
Sounded like: Seal should be singing itLooked like: Dilios in 300. He's going home on his shield.
Latvia always send a banger. This was written by Aminata, who represented Latvia last year.
UKRAINE. POINTS: 534 POSITION: 1st Jamala - 1944
In 2007, Ukraine sent this amazing noise to Eurovision. Last year, they didn't enter because SOMEONE, naming no names, INVADED so they were a BIT BUSY. This year, they return with this stonker of an anthem about the deportation of the Tartars. Which might just be directed at SOMEONE who's been doing a bit of INVASION of their own...
When strangers are coming...
They come to your house,
They kill you all
and say,
We’re not guilty
not guilty.
Apparently, Russia may boycott next year to protest against Ukraine protesting against their invasion. I'm surprised Putin hasn't invaded yet, considering she beat Sergey. But she deserved it. Her voice cracked with emotion, her eyes boggled with intensity and a great tree of Numenor blossomed behind her. And her outfit was bloody lovely. Well done, Jamala.
MALTA. POINTS: 153 POSITION: 12th Ira Losco - Walk On Water
Looked like: Mariah Carey
This pregnant lady, on her second Eurovision, belted out yet another dancey song, showing ALL her leg, while a man danced around her feet. It was a bit lost in the sea of eurodance, particularly after Jamala. I did enjoy the occasional 90s whoop in her backing track though.
GEORGIA. POINTS: 104 POSITION: 12th Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz - Midnight Gold
Sounded like: Every low charting indie song from the mid 90s covering DarudeLooked like: I'm pretty sure Noel Gallagher was on bass
Lord, but they lobbed every single visual effect they could find at this. Pity the photosensitive epileptics. Based solely on this and last year's Georgian entries to Eurovision, I am intrigued by their local music scene. It must just ALL BE GOTHS AND INDIE. Their singer wished his mother a happy birthday at the end, but in such a manner that it sounded like a veiled threat. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO MY MOTHER". I quite liked it all, as long as I didn't look at it.
AUSTRIA. POINTS: 151 POSITION: 13th ZOË - Loin d’ici
Looked like: A bridesmaid determined to upstage the bride, despite wearing peach
This, however, I did not like. Too saccharine.
UNITED KINGDOM. POINTS: 62 POSITION: 24th Joe and Jake - You're Not Alone
Sounds like: Times Like These by Foo FightersLooked like: Every under-21 in Edwards on a Friday night
Eurgh. This were reet bad. I don't even know which is which, but I'm not sure it matters. Sigh.
ARMENIA. POINTS: 249 POSITION:7th Iveta Mukuchyan - LoveWave
Looked like: Nicole Scherzinger
This winner of Armenian Pop Idol (called Hay Superstar <3) decided to come in her swimming costume and woo at us, which worked well. We should try that next year. There were some awesome projector effects. A round of applause for visual effects.
The interval act this year was Justin Timberlake. If this is the US's attempt to muscle in on THE BEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR, then I am simply not having it. After delivering a heartfelt message with his back to the camera...
and a video of the best of Swedish music, he sang a medley, and it was all a bit Vegas.
It's no Riverdance.
But that was nothing compared to Petra and Måns' song. Sweden can generally be counted on to provide some tongue in cheek homage to Eurovision, and this was no exception.
It cannot be explained. It can only be admired. There was also a Sarah Dawn Finer sketch and some more Eurovision sarcasm, and Måns singing his new song (which sounds like Scissor Sisters) on those weird skateboard things like they're in the video for Wired for Sound, and Heroes. Again.
The judging was WEIRD this year. WEIRD but oddly EFFECTIVE. The jury vote was announced by the usual array of European celebrities, although only the 12 point score, which meant a lot less French numbers. Then then the public votes were combined and the final scores were announced in ascending order.
But first, THOSE EUROCELEBS IN FULL!
An Austrian mosaic!
Icelandic Blofeld!
A disinterested vampire
Italian Dappy
What's red and has two thumbs? This lady!
I like to think Sinead was a late replacement for Mark from Westlife when Nicky didn't get through.
NINA SUBLATTI! OXIMATED!
This school teacher is very disappointed in you, Europe
Maltese James Bond
Spanish Hasslehoff
Pee Wee Hermann
Sebalter, looking swish
Extreme Contouring: Danish Edition
This howling French lady
The Moldovan secret service
Satan
A man dressed as an Amazon delivery.
Sadness in her eyes
Dutch and stoned. What a cliché.
This Latvian has come direct from 1987.
This corpse.
Abz from 5ive
All German parties end like this.
Not Putin
Eurovision winner 1985.
This Australian lady announced the votes last year. She's not eaten since.
Insert your own joke here.
Richard Osman, TOWERING ABOVE LONDON
She seemed to be floating above Zagreb.
The Greek guy spent some time telling us the Russian entry was, in fact, Greek.
A fembot
Serbia knows you weren't really working late. Serbia will kill you later.
She's just nipped out from a wedding reception to do this.
Is this the nicest house in Albania???
Nice hair.
Yer ma's out late
This side is her best side. The other side...you wouldn't like it.
Dallas calling
Ah, it's the hamsterdance woman from last year. I wonder if she's still married to Ray Quinn.
"Look into my eyes. Not around the eyes, but into the eyes."
Doesn't he know it's rude to listen to music when doing a live TV link?
"If there's room in the heart, there's room in the butt." We've all heard that before, right guys?
The British entry seemed to be doing alright on jury voting. We got 12 points from Malta, and weren't bottom. We were in the top half of the table for about twenty minutes. Then the public vote came in, and boom. 24th. For shame. Europe hates us. Also, our jury gave 12 points to Georgia, confirming that our jury is comprised solely of failed Britpop band members.
However, this meant genuine suspense as we waited to see who would win out of Australia, Russia and Ukraine. Australia were leading into the televote results and then...
BOOM!
That's Numberwang!
Fuck yooooouuuuuu, Putin. Well done Jamala!
Thanks for reading :)
