However, I currently cannot drink which means I cannot play my favourite Eurovision drinking game (pick a country, drink when they get points, or don't get points, it's your choice). So, here I sit with curry and lemonade and drunken boyfriend...ON WITH THE SHOW!
Tonight, we are in Sweden. I went to Ikea earlier, and they don't sell Daim cake anymore, so frankly, Sweden can fuck off.
The opening VT is of a caterpillar, sailing to Malmo, via Europe. The caterpillar has remarkably good hair. Somehow, it is not catastrophically squashed. That'd put a damper on the evening. I don't know how the caterpillar knows the way to Sweden. It turns into a butterfly, and dies three days later. Such is the Tragedy of Eurovision.
There is a choir, singing a song by the Boys of Abba and Avicii. An obvious collusion there. The choir are doing their best Songs of Praise impression, mouths agape as soon as they spot the camera. The acts walk across a bridge, preceded by a flagbearing Avox. It's like the Olympics of SONG. The singers are a merry bunch. The singers start singing loudly that they are human, presumably because Brandon Flowers wants them to be dancer.
Our hostess for the evening is a big haired woman clad in pink. Her dress looks alarmingly like it might pull apart at any moment. Her name is Petra and she thanks Avicii, or Tim as his parents call him, for turning up. Tim has a face of terrifying mahogany. We are exhorted to vote for people, but not by text or mobile, for no discernible reason. Petra is a little bit scary.
FIRST UP, it's France. Our French singer likes to have her hair done and go and sing in bars. She looks like Courtney Love, and is wearing a dress of shredded binbag. ALAS that I am watching on catchup and cannot get subtitles. She rubs herself up and down while trying to deepthroat the microphone, which seems to excite the cameraman a bit too much. It's no French The Voice, that's for sure. OU SE TROUVE LA TALENT? IL N'EXISTE PAS! Ahem.
Without any faff, we proceed to Lithuania, where fun is had by the sea and with a guitar. He is singing a song not DISSIMILAR to Common People. He sings with all the enthusiasm of a corpse, and tells us that he knows he loves us because of his shoes. One is called love, the other is pain (not Spain, as I originally thought). He's quite pretty, I suppose, but he has the eyes of a maniac. ROUSING.
Moldova likes to ride around on a horse and then dance about a bit. She is wearing one of Lady Gaga's reject dresses, with reject dancers to match. She doesn't move much, probably because that dress makes her GROW INTO A MONSTER! MOLDOZILLA! Flames are projected across the bottom, because she's a demon. I think.
Finland likes THE SNOW, and pretends she practices in a garage. I mean, she might. Finland is tiny. Turkey has opted not to show this because it's FILTHY. This is the ballad of a bunny boiler - she wants to be married, and if you don't marry her SHE'S GOING TO GET ANGRY. This is very Avril Lavigne - I can imagine her singing this to Chad Kroeger. I quite like this, I cannot deny. Her little mouse men dancers give her a veil, and then she rips off Gwen Stefani, to EXHORT US ALL to marry her. Her veil gave birth to some bridesmaids. At the end, is BLATANT faux lesbianism to get you to vote. Shameful.
Spain like submarines and photography. These VTs are like bad date videos. Anyway, she used to be married to Alonso, but now is gadding about with this bagpipe playing fellow. In order to try and win, Spain have stolen Ireland's entry. Her backing band are TRULY HIDEOUS. One of them is a cross between Mick Jagger and Angus Young. She turns a lamp yellow and then sends it into the sky, because she is a witch. She's not wearing anything on her feet, which could be lethal.
Belgium are fielding a mere child into the competition. He likes to bowl and to sit in theatres. He is singing about Love Kills, and this song was written by Emili Sandé's writer. She wasn't invited to sing, BUT IT'S LIKE SHE'S HERE ANYWAY. He has two dancers, and they are waving their arms around behind his back, like Pan's People. It's...woeful. My boyfriend is 1/16th Belgian... No wonder he never dances. Estonia likes to swim and sing at small children. The singer is pregnant, but not enough to be at risk of giving birth mid-song. ALAS. It's a pity that women's maternity wear in Estonia has not yet moved past the giant bath sheet. Otherwise, this is a CELEBRATION OF BLAND with REGULATION HIGH NOTE near the end.
Belarus like cycling and being FIT. Her name is also Aliona (like Moldova), but Aliona Vilani she ain't. This Aliona also likes monkeys in circuses. She emerges from a glitterball, wearing some SPANGLES. HUZZAH! Her backing dancers look like a pair of Rylans. There is so much ARMOGRAPHY tonight. I am a bit worried that this Aliona is off her tits on something, and I don't think she's to be trusted on such very high shoes. Shakira she ain't.
Malta's singer is a doctor. That's multitasking! He is essentially singing Hey Soul Sister with a squint. I think Train's lawyers may be busy tomorrow. He keeps singing with a slightly Essex accent. Does everyone in Malta have an Essex accent? THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
Russia enjoys orchestras and culture. She is a bit GASPY, and surrounded by LUMINOUS BALLS. Of course she is. Her backing singers shadow her like the KGB. They look a bit like Scooch. WHAT IF WE CHOSE TO BURY OUR GUNS, she asks, rhetorically. Well, a child would dig them up in a few years and shoot their face off. DISPOSE OF YOUR GUNS SAFELY, COMRADE.
Germany likes America. IT IS CASCADA! SHE LIVES! I'm not convinced she isn't Natalie Lowe's German doppleganger. It is a cheery bit of Europop, though not quite of Evacuate the Dancefloor levels. This could win though...
Armenia likes singing in deserted churches... Not sure that's going to win them many dates. This song was written by Tony Iommi. I KNOW NOT WHAT POSSESSED HIM TO DO SO! Anyway, Armenian singer has all the hair, stonewash denim and a wind machine. It's like 1983 all over again. They're like Dexy's Midnight Runners' swarthy Euro cousins. Should've got System of a Down to do it. Nice pyros though.
NOW! A comedic interlude. This comprised a Swedish comedian pretending to be an annoying English presenter. LOLZ!
The Netherlands likes to do cardio training on rooftops, LIKE A BAWS. Their singer has the raddled look of alcohol addiction, and sings about birds, in a low register. She's not even wearing a ballgown! It's soporific. Must try harder next time, Netherlands.
Romania likes to be nit combed in beautiful houses and drink TINY CUPS OF TEA. For his song, he is wearing a sparkling coat, with monstrous neckline, and no top. LOVELY. He then sings in falsetto while very nearly naked, muscled men cavort nearby. Ye Gods, it's Count Cockular: coming to Attitude soon. There is even a dubstep breakdown. Amazing. If I was going to vote (lolasif), I would vote for THIS. He makes a token attempt to appear interested in women at the end.
BONNIE TYLER is here, but not singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Bonnie has a husband and lots of gold discs in her house. Oh Bonnie, what a lot of surgery you've had. It looks kinda like her face has been squashed in a vice. It's like the Russian grannies again though, alas. She looks 90 years older than everyone else, and sounds it. GRAVELLY. It's no Holding out for Hero, that's for damn sure.
Sweden like to dance and go to the fair. He is young! He sings and his backing dancers and singers come rising from the smoke, like ghosts. It's not awful, though the costumes are a touch Brechtian. There is also drumming upon pelvises, and bad slo-mo breakdancing. A poor man's Diversity.
Hungary likes to stare at landscapes, with a melancholy air. EMO! They look like the sort of band you swiftly avoid when they approach an open mic night. They are sweetly hipsterish. Suzanne Shaw appears to be on backing vocals. The lyrics include "Mish mosh mash gangashan". Psy needs to move to Hungary.
Denmark like horse drawn rides in the woods and is friends with dwarves. This is the favourite to win. She is very like Emma Watson, and is singing on the floor. She has no shoes on. DO THESE WOMEN CARE NOTHING FOR GOOD FOOT CARE? A man plays a tin whistle, and she stares longingly at him. Her intonation sounds like she hates us all. GO, ANGRY YOUNG LADY! She manages to smile towards the end...
Iceland like fishing, obviously, and pretending to be the king. He is fresh from King's Landing. He sings beautifully, in Icelandic and it sounds like an 80s children's cartoon theme. Maybe about Egg the Leaf, king of all the glen. There is a most tremendous note, and then a key change and MY! I AM MOVED!
Azerbaijan likes the seaside and staring balefully into the camera. Apparently, he also likes freestyle wrestling, so he may well take out the winner with a people's elbow. He sings from atop a perspex box. I smell the influence of Brian Friedman. There is a man in his perspex box, which never happened on X Factor. The man in the box is upside down...he is magical. HE IS DAVID BLAINE. I like this box dancing. A woman with the world's biggest dress turns up to flirt with box man. I'm starting to fear for the box man's safety, especially as the woman tries to drown him in petals. WHAT A MONSTER.
Greece like sausages and other meat products. It's like Mumford and Sons after a heavy night out, then turns into a ska showdown. It's certainly my winner. They have even choreographed their instrument waving, and are singing about alcohol being free. WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE! Not sure why they're wearing a hockey kit... I think I need to go to Greece.
Ukraine like ballet and signing their autograph. Tart. She is brought onstage by Thor, a 7ft tall man. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. The song is a bit "How do I get you alone?". How indeed! Her dress doesn't fit very well either.
Italy likes moping in the attic, playing piano. Italy is, in fact, the Phantom. He stands, and he sings to us, looking every bit an Italian waiter. Stereotypes! Neva4get! It's like bad Westlife.
Norway like sailing, very slowly, and walking, very slowly. Woo for Norway. The song is synthy electro. The sort of song they dance to in Blade. It's all about cunnilingus anyway. Dirty girl. It's all a bit blander than it needed to be, feeding us her love aside.
Georgia likes Byzantine architecture and looking over it's shoulder. It's a duet and they stand, facing away from each other, bemoaning the state of their love. She is dressed like a Scandinavian monarch, circa 1900. They sing about sailing on a sea of Jews, or something. They make use of the wind machine, because it's not emotive unless it's sung into a force 8 gale.
FINALLY, Ireland, where men like MEAT and FAMILIES. Seems legit. It opens with naked men in pleather, playing bodhrans, because nothing says Irish quite like that. One of the backing drummers looks like Keith Flint. Another looks like Justin Theroux in Charlie's Angels 2 (you know you've seen it). It's like early 90s Take That. These lot need to go see Romania after the show...
Anyway, that's all the acts...lines are open...time for the interval! Jean Paul Gaultier is given kudos for designing that dress, and looks completely baffled.
Last year's winner is here to sing us a medley. Huzzah! Her name is Loreen, and she is wearing a bird about her shoulders and has the power. Her backing singers are dressed as Ghostbusters. She flies about a bit, pulls off her dead bird and puts on a nice cloak. I'm sure this makes a lot of sense... She isn't wearing any shoes. Blerugh.
Petra has now put on a Swedish-flag inspired dress with fur bolero. I preferred the pink coat thing. THE LINES ARE CLOSED! So we get a VT of Bonnie rasping away about being part of Eurovision. This includes being sang to by Croatians. "DID YOU JUST PROPOSE TO ME?" she bellows, with all the grace of a cancer ridden goat.
Petra has decided to sing, with flowers on her head. Her dancers have antlers. CAN WE VOTE FOR THIS? No. Really. Can we?
There is now a VT about the history of Eurovision, featuring Bloody Lulu and Bloody Celine Dion. Backstage, a pretty boy called Eric is talking to the drunks in the green room (which is usually an ice rink). WHERE is BASSHUNTER? The boss, Jon, looks like he is going start the party. I repeat, WHERE is BASSHUNTER? Probably having an orgy somewhere. So, instead, we have Miss Piggy singing The Winner Takes It All. Apparently, it's the woman from earlier. MEH!
Petra has a massive dress on now, for the voting. I'm not recapping that...so...the winner is...
DENMARK with 231 points.
Bonnie got but 23 points. Poor old Bonnie, let's have Rylan next year.
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