So, X Factor returns tonight, meaning the slow roll into autumn begins. I wasn't at all sure whether I would recap X Factor this year, partly because last year was an appalling shitshow, partly because my mum's dying so if recaps stop suddenly halfway through the season YOU KNOW WHY.
But then I found out that Nicola Shirtslinger and Dermot AND LOUIS are back, and Grimmy is GONE, and, despite the presence of immortal terrorhawk Sharon Osborne, everyone needs a laugh. So... what happened to the stars of yore?
Bupsi has a new song coming. It's called Turn It Up. She's been teasing it for weeks, yet it doth not appear. Nasty.
Alien Uncovered are still going. They have a beautiful website, but absolutely nothing going on. Apparently, they have new music coming.
Kiera Weathers supported some children off Britain's Got Talent on tour, and is currently touring the small clubs of the UK.
Seann Miley Moore plays Prides around the country.
Max Stone puts lots of videos of him covering songs on his website, and did an interview saying he is doing more reggae music now. Imagine him covering On A Ragga Tip. Lawd.
Monica Michael apparently briefly dated Lee Ryan. She recently released this, which is very Winehouse, without the soul.
Mason Noise didn't even show up at the final, allegedly because the show forget to book him a hotel room (say what?) but probably because he's a suppurating bell end of a man. His twitter is half beach photos, half reposts of goodly Christian messages from a site which appears to take the word of God and translate it into bro. "FUCKIN LEAVE IT AHT MATE, HE WHO IS WITHOUT BOOZE THROWS THE FIRST PUNCH, PEACE" etc etc. So yes, no change there.
Anton Stephans. Oh Anton's website! He's in a production of Moby Dick: The Musical. Neva4get his rage:
4th Impact apparently made no impact on me because I couldn't remember who they were until I suddenly had a traumatic flashback to Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez Versini Payne BELLOWING each of their names pointlessly at Simon Cowell. They have a strong online presence, but aren't really doing anything with it
Lauren Murray has managed to get on CBBots. Which is nice.
Ché Chesterman got engaged and is playing huge events like the Dagenham Steam and Cider festival. You deserved better than this, Chesterman.
Reggie n Bollie is the only non-winner success story of last year, and that's pushing it a bit. They released New Girl in May and it got to 26 in the charts. They are also listed to play Bestival.
Louisa Johnson is now 18, so the Daily Mail is celebrating with lots of bikini photospreads. Get a grip, Daily Mail. Anyway, after failing to top the charts with her winner's single, she provided vocals on a Clean Bandit song that got to number 5. Turns out it's a big hit with my 7yo.
Who will this year's star be? Does it even matter? Join me at some point in the future for Judges' Houses (and next week for Strictly)!
