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| Get it Slavic gurl |
UKRAINE: Tick-Tock by Mariyah Yaremchuk. 6th place, 113 points
Noteworthy solely because Matt Evers, in a post-DOI haze, appeared to be running round a hamster wheel. I'm sure this was wholly relevant to the song. Mariyah's whole vibe was Amy Lee, but cheerier. There were some nice tricks around the giant hamster wheel, but short of Eastern bloc solidarity, I'm not sure why this was so popular.
BELARUS: Cheesecake by Teo. 16th place, 43 points
I can't decide whether Teo is a budget Huey Morgan, or an unholy cross betwixt #THICKE and Bruno Mars. Apparently, he's been tied up in a sweet cheesecake, using Google maps to escape. It's all very Jordan Knight circa 1999, and the music video is actually a joy.
AZERBAIJAN: Start A Fire by Dilara Kazimova. 22nd place, 33 points
Ah, Azerbaijan and all their corruption. This is deathly dull, balladeering with a barefoot trapeze lady swinging about on a background of church towers. It's almost like a very bad Kate Bush homage. Dilara tries her best, she shouts "Big love no more" at the end and everything.
ICELAND: No Prejudice by Pollapönk. 15th place, 58 points
Ah, it's the discount Wiggles, with a hint of The Hives. Surprisingly good song, including the lyrics 'it's not trigonometry, inside we're the same'. Testify. The singer has painted his fingernails black, which hasn't been a thing since Papa Roach. The funky interlude where everyone starts dancing is amazing. Honestly, I think these guys would be my winner, but...Poland.
NORWAY: Silent Storm by Carl Espen. 8th place, 88 points
A guy who looks like he should be fronting a Scandinavian death metal band ballads away to a piano about silent storms. Enslaved, eat your heart out. Oddly popular though.
ROMANIA: Miracle by Paula Selling and Ovi. 12th place, 72 points
There's a circular keyboard that doesn't apparently work, judging by Barry Manilowalike's playing, and a woman who looms into view on the videowall, like Khloe Kardashian, then arrives from the other end of the stage. MYSTICAL. It's eurodance dance evolution. They cuddle and sing right in each other's ears. Catchy.
ARMENIA: Not Alone by Aram MP3. 4th place, 174 points
The best thing about this guy is the flag badge he makes in the pre-song VT. He appears to be wearing jackboots, and he doesn't like Conchita. The song is a bit Calvin Harris meets the Inception soundtrack. Then they d-d-d-d-d-drop the bass. Wub wub. Apparently, emo-dubstep is very popular on the continent.
MONTENEGRO: Мој свијет (My World) by Sergej Ćetković. 19th place, 37 points
Aha, a rollerblading ballerina. How very Soviet. This guy looks just like Christopher Maloney, in case anyone wondered where he'd gone. I hope his nan's there. In true X Factor style, some women come out at the end and sing with him. Alas that Louis Walsh isn't here to note that's a bit cheaty.
POLAND: My Słowianie (We Slavs) – We Are Slavic by Donatan and Cleo. 14th place, 62 points
This was SO my winner. BOOOOOOBS! BOOOOOBS! WASHED BOOBS! Imagine, if you will Gwen Stefani in her Hollaback era, and combine with Fergie in her Fergilicious state, and you are about a fifth of the way to the amazingness.
GREECE: Rise Up by Freaky Fortune ft RiskyKidd. 20th place, 35 points
So, what happens if you take two cleanish cut Greek boys, and add some bored rapping child from Hackney? THIS! It's quite dancey, but has pretty much stolen Destination Calabria and added europop lyrics. As all the finest Eurovision does. There is random, slow motion trampolining, which I expect to end in injury, but doesn't. Skill.
AUSTRIA: Rise Like A Phoenix by Conchita Wurst. 1st place, 290 points
Conchita could be my hero if that was a real beard. The song is James Bond Lite, and would be much improved if she'd flown into the air at the end.
GERMANY: Is It Right by Elaiza. 18th place, 39 points
For a start, there's oompa-pa. Second, there's a terrifying, scene chewing frontlady. It's very heartfelt, but alas, also rubbish. Like Pink album tracks, with more accordion. Ribbons fall at the end and tie the bassist up in knots.
SWEDEN: Undo by Sanna Nielsen. 3rd place, 218 points
Apparently, this was a favourite to win. It's terribly earnest, and features a laser cage. Everyone is singing it in the audience, so clearly they're fans. Sanna is a less whimsical Dido. The very unsubtle key change makes it.
FRANCE: Moustache by TWIN TWIN. 26th place, 2 points
If you saw these three coming down the road, you would run like the wind, but I liked the song. I love French music. French The Voice is the best reality show I've ever seen. So sue me. Anyway, the song is about wanting to grow a moustache. This is a laudable ambition. These guys have nothing on Jedward. They have a dancing girl who looks a bit like Miley, and a backdrop of hypercolour. I don't think France wanted to win. And they didn't...deux points. Poor show!
RUSSIA: Shine by The Tolmachevy Twins. 7th place, 89 points
Russia had a problem this year: most of Europe hates or fears them. It's so nice to have the focus off hating the UK. To try and get round the general Russophobia, Russia sent teenage twins, who looked like prettier Taylor Swifts, and succeeded fairly well. They also knotted them together by the hair, just in case anyone tried to separate them. They perform on a seesaw, pretending to be mirrored. They have big transparent phalluses as props as well. They're 17, so keep your filthy fantasies in your head. The seesaw, alas, is on hydraulics and doesn't pelt one of them into the air when the other walks off. They are better twins than Jemini.
ITALY: La Mia Città (My City) by Emma. 21st place, 33 points
It doesn't get off to a good start, as she starts bellowing before her mic's turned on. She is very angry, like a menacing Evil Bitch Caesaris. The sound is rather like Garbage. She ends up collapsed on the floor, snarling at the ceiling. I'm not sure why she was so angry though.
SLOVENIA: Round and Round by Tinkara Kovač. 25th place, 9 points
She has a flute. You may make your own American Pie joke, as I am late to the party. She has some power-fist-pumping backing singers. She comes second last. I don't think she deserved that.
FINLAND: Something Better by Softengine. 11th place, 72 points.
Boybands! They are mighty young and innocent looking, and remind me of Metro Station, or maybe one of Tom DeLonge's endless, awful spinoffs. But so shiny! Last year, Finland sent the crazy lesbian wedding woman. I feel they can do better.
SPAIN: Dancing In The Rain by Ruth Lorenzo. 10th place, 74 points.
It's Ruth LORENZO! She's not singing Bon Jovi though, which is a pity. She's all soggy, and switches to English for the chorus which my fiancé is not impressed by. Apparently, she was singing about feelings *shrugs*. In the rain. She should've beaten Alexandra Burke. WHERE'S THE BURKE NOW, EH?
SWITZERLAND: Hunter of Stars by Sebalter. 13th place, 64 points.
You know, if I heard this song and didn't see it, it'd be among my favourites. But...
Smug whistling cunt. Josh Brolin's moonlighting on the banjo, and SWC sings about being wet and dirty. Ban this sick filth now.
HUNGARY: Running by András Kállay-Saunders. 5th place, 143 points.
I know this is a drum and bass ode to domestic violence, and was quite catchy, but all I could think of was Craig David.
MALTA: Coming Home by Firelight. 23rd place, 32 points.
More folk, but this time, awful folk. It is literally the SAME as Let Me Go by Barlow, which may be why it didn't score so well. Their male singer is utterly terrifiyng. He has the stalkerish, slightly greasy glare of a young Jason Donovan. He's playing an Appalachian dulcimer, the hipster twat.
DENMARK: Cliché Love Song by Basim. 9th place, 74 points.
Another Bruno Marsalike, with a backing band celebrating diversity. He's was in Danish X Factor a few years ago, and did quite well. The song is somewhat insufferable, utilising Scatman John, but obviously not as good. Skibidibidee bom bada boom. It's pretty smooth though. Their backdrop gets stuck when they come off, and fucks up the running order.
NETHERLANDS: Calm After The Storm by The Common Linnets. 2 place, 238 points.
Shania Twain and Garth Brooks, slightly out of tune, on a road. The road to nowhere. All my fiancé has ever wanted is to see the Dutch come and do a song about weed, involving hypnotic stoned dancing. He is, of course, disappointed. However, second place is a lot better than anyone thought they'd do.
SAN MARINO: Maybe by Valentina Monetta. 24th place, 14 points.
Hurrah for San Marino making the final! The smallest countries have the most elaborate flags. She performs in her nightie, inside a falmer claw trap. And if you don't play Skyrim, you can substitute 'clam' for that joke. It's a bit James Bond again. Have we ever fielded Shirley Bassey in Eurovision? We'd win then...
UNITED KINGDOM: Children of the Universe by Molly. 17th place, 40 points.
Ah Molly, with your face of indeterminate age. The song is too low for her to sing distinctly. She has also come dressed as some sort of Aztec. The Children of the Universe rock cage sandals and lamé. I see what they did, trying to evoke the spirit of harmony, blah blah blah, but they failed. It is very boring. I'd like to see a return to the 90s realness of Gina G.
SPECIAL MENTIONS TO:
Albania for running a 10 second loop of green screen footage behind their results guy, because nowhere in Albania is suitable for live streaming.
The presenting team, for being really bloody good. Long may it continue.
The presenting team, for mocking Graham Norton. This does make me wonder how seriously all the other commentators take it.
The flag-making-thing, because normally the postcards are both boring and nonsensical.
The strange Kraftwerk-esque entertainment on ladders
The 12 points song.
I can't wait for next year!
